Before we begin: I would like to "congratulate" everyone on their engagements on Christmas Eve/Christmas. Judging by my Instagram feed, even if you're single you're now engaged. (Nobody on your social media network is rooting for your bitter divorce, I promise.)
... The bowl season trudges on today, and we're still taking resin hits of football in 2013. Boy, are we down to the nitty-gritty this year.
Marshall will play Maryland in the Terps' last football game as members of the ACC. That will come in the Military Bowl (presented by some hot brand named Northrop), and that kicks off at 2:30 on ESPN.
At 6:00, also on ESPN, will be the Texas Bowl. That game pits Syracuse against Minnesota. I can't even make a sarcastic joke about this game.
The main course won't arrive until 9:30 in the form of the Fight Hunger Bowl between BYU and Washington. That game is also on ESPN. (Starting to see a trend here?)
And remember, folks: if you (or anyone you know) is gambling real life American dollars on any of these games, please pick up a phone and dial 1-800-522-4700.
CAN CLEMSON'S EXPLOSIVE WRs EXPLOIT OSU'S SECONDARY? That's the paraphrased headline to this Charleston Times-Courier article.
Let me just go ahead and answer their question for them: Yes.
Clemson's wide receivers can exploit Ohio State's secondary, but the true question is: will they?
Well... yes, probably. Judging by the secondary's 2013 performance, they'd give up 300 yards in the air to the Little Sisters of the Poor.
(For what it's worth, freshman Vonn Bell told a Tennessee TV station he's starting in the Orange Bowl, but Vonn Bell telling a Tennessee TV station he's starting is the only confirmation we have at this point.)
Fair play to the Clemson receiving corps for refusing to thump their chest heading into the season-ending exhibition game. That's more intimidating to me than any trash-talk they could have launched. (The tough guys are never the ones thumping their chests.)
Hopefully Carlos Hyde and Braxton Miller are ready to put in some work for the set in Miami. Ohio State is going to need somewhere between 40 and 100 points, I think.
ON THAT BROKEN FOOT. Yesterday, it was announced Shane Morris will start for Michigan in the historic Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl. (Rivalry aside, congrats to Michigan football on their achievement. Not so long ago, Michigan wasn't even worthy of the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl — or any bowl for that matter. The Sun and Blue have definitely earned this trip.)
Devin Gardner will be sidelined because according to CBS' Bruce Feldman, the junior broke his left foot in the second drive of the third quarter against Ohio State.
Thankfully Michigan didn't convert those two points because the "Devin Gardner beat Ohio State on a broken foot" narrative would have been about as sufferable as drinking a gallon of battery acid.
I'd also like to take this moment to mention the anti-inflammation drug Toradol; the drug more-than-likely injected into Devin Gardner shortly after the broken foot he suffered in the third quarter of The Game.
It amuses me these kids can't smoke weed or use steroids, but they're allowed to be injected during games with a drug that allows a man to play a half of football with a broken foot. There's nothing "performance-enhancing" about that, no sir.
Spurrier's anthem is this DMX song (NSFW b/c DMX, obvii) JADEVEON CLOWNEY: SPEEDING MONSTER. Here's one of my least favorite stories in sports: the one about the star athlete caught driving a car really fast.
Opposing linemen can’t stop Jadeveon Clowney, but S.C.’s finest can. And have. Again.
Thursday morning, the University of South Carolina football star got another traffic ticket for speeding.
This time, an officer from the Columbia Police Department stopped one of the nation’s top defensive players and charged him with going 84 miles per hour in a 55-mph zone.
Jadeveon was popped earlier in the month for going 110 in a 70. I don't know how points on drivers' licenses in South Carolina work, but Jadeveon is probably about to put up some numbers.
The two fines are about ~$700, which as Steve Spurrier noted, will be a pittance compared to what some agent will give Jadeveon as an advance on his future NFL payday as soon as South Carolina's bowl game ends.
To me, unless it's some idiot driving through a school zone/residential neighborhood, it's hard for me to get too worked up about people driving fast. Speeders actually have to pay attention on the highway, unlike these people who set their cruise two miles per hour above the speed limit and idly drift in the passing line.
And before you disagree with me: the Autobahn is one of the safest roads in the world.
BILL O'BRIEN PUTS HIS TOE INTO NFL WATERS. Bill O'Brien to the NFL is picking up steam:
NFL Media Insider Ian Rapoport reported on NFL Network's "Around the League Live" that O'Brien is one of the Houston Texans' top candidates to fill their coaching job, according to sources familiar with the team's process. O'Brien and the Texans agreed to have an interview after Christmas, which means it's already happened or it will happen in the near future.
League executives view O'Brien, the former New England Patriots offensive coordinator, as a very real possibility to leap from college back to the NFL. Rapoport notes that O'Brien's NFL buyout was reduced from $13 million to $6.5 million in March. That news was made public in June.
Welp, Penn State is about to be out 6.5 million dollars. That's just a great bit of business, PSU. (Suddenly, gambling on the freakin' Texas Bowl doesn't appear to be such a financial waste.)
Bill O'Brien is definitely leaving Penn State. I'm sure he's an alpha competitor like most coaches, and I'm sure it sucks to go to battle every week with a hand tied behind his back due to sanctions brought about by people not named Bill O'Brien. There's only so many 63-14 ass-kickings a man can take.
O'Brien leaving PSU would cause a minor meltdown in Happy Valley, but PSU fans would be wise to stay thankful their program isn't a smoldering heap of ash.
THOSE WMDs. Disney dudes with and without beards... Chip Kelly, what's your plan? "To score some f****** points. What's your plan?"... 15 minutes of the best news bloopers of 2013... Les Miles (in Santa hat) leading LSU in jingle bells... Ohio State's calculus class goes viral... Troy woman claims $1 million share from Mega Millions... 10 tips for criticizing people more effectively... LMAO at 10-year-old Tom Brady... The Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl ran out of pizza...
