The Situational: After the Gold Rush

It’s inevitable, unavoidable and patriotic as hell so you might as well embrace it. You could try cutting carbs, reducing your portion sizes or putting yourself through two-a-day workouts but your expanding hips are a conclusion more foregone than Wisconsin’s demise last Saturday night. 

Take your current weight and add seven to it. Merry Christmas and Happy New Chin.

Don’t waste your time trying to outsmart the unstoppable December weight gain phenomenon; there are far more important and equally futile strategies you’re better off dwelling on in lieu of completing work, chores or other important obligations you have no interesting in doing, like how Doran Grant is going to prevent Amari Cooper from becoming Sammy Watkins.

What will student-athlete Cardale Jones do to outmaneuver $3.85MM defensive coordinator and stage boss Kirby Smart? And once the Buckeyes beat the winner of the Florida State-Oregon game by 59 points will that diminish the championship run or accelerate the offseason ESPN investigation and FOIA requests?

Perhaps Urban should let Barrett play the 4th quarter OF THE TITLE GAME in his wheelchair to slow down the offense. #sportsmanship

If that is indeed the case, perhaps Urban should let J.T. Barrett play the 4th quarter of the title game in his wheelchair to slow down the offense. #sportsmanship

See, these are far more important questions than wondering how Asians can eat rice by the metric ton without getting fat, yet meticulously-measured half cup portions of starch relentlessly insist on bloating you to the point where your fat pants are snug - SUBQUESTION - and does even asking yourself about the Rice Paradox make you a racist, fat-phobic, both or neither? (Answer: You’re so hopelessly flawed already that none of this matters)

So don’t fight the weight gain - just go ahead and put an extra hole in your belt now to prepare for 112 more squishy holiday ounces of you. As you drift off into yet another unsatisfying sleep ask yourself if the Sugar Bowl is Ohio State facing off against Alabama, the entire SEC or just the non-sucky SEC West part (Answer: If the Buckeyes win, it’s just Alabama; if they lose - it’s the entire SEC. They make the rules).

You have three weeks to think about it, but as you dwell on the new Final Four remember: No one has ever thanked a treadmill in an acceptance speech, and dark chocolate peppermint bark is only seasonal one month per year. Carpe scelerisque.

Ohio State is in the college football playoff! LET’S GET SITUATIONAL -

The leviathan

First riddle: What has one Big Ten championship game MVP, two Silver Footballs, two Big Ten Freshman of the Year awards, two National Freshman of the Year awards, 12,839 yards, 135 touchdowns, two functioning throwing arms, five unbroken legs and eight Gold Pants?

It’s Ohio State’s current, unredshirted quarterback position - which inexplicably gives weak-minded Buckeye fans anxiety over things like losing quarterback recruits due to position crowding, assistant coaches due to poachability and the fear that any part of that hydra might transfer out of the congestion of greatness. Don’t do this to yourself unless you want to take the seven extra pounds you're already getting into double digits.

We’re only three seasons removed from Nick Siciliano being in charge of developing what Jim Tressel used to call The Most Important Person in the State of Ohio. He was an apprentice videographer fill-in for the late Joe Daniels who tragically found himself all alone coaching quarterbacks in the wake of Tatgate, and he parlayed his work at Ohio State into being completely out of the football business shortly thereafter.

Devin Smith led the 2011 team in receptions with 14. That would be good for 10th on the 2014 team.

Siciliano and Jim Bollman instead of Tom Herman and Ed Warinner as hands-on offensive coaches. That’s stress. Having too much competence is decidedly calming.

This year’s seniors were freshmen on that catastrophe that failed to break to 20-point barrier five times on the nation's 107th-ranked offense. Consider that in its three seasons since 2011 Ohio State has only failed to break the 30-point barrier six times; twice since 2012. 

Devin Smith led that 2011 squad in receptions with 14. Nine guys had more catches than that this season.

Here’s the fate of Braxton Miller, Barrett and Jones: They’re on an Ohio State team that kept this year’s seniors from being the first class since 1992 to pass through the Woody without winning at least one Big Ten title.

Final riddle: What has ten unbroken legs, five functioning throwing arms, all the potential in the world and no bearing on Ohio State's upcoming postseason plans? Next year's quarterback battle.

There's no rush to swallow this season yet. Keep chewing a little longer.

ThE "DYNASTY"

Gary Andersen is the first Gary ever to be cool, because back when names were invented Gary was set aside specifically for predetermined uncool kids. There were no cool Garys until Gary Anderson arrived. It’s a paradox in natural law that has gone criminally underreported. 

This not only means Wisconsin’s head coach is cool, but he’s a thief as well: He most likely stole his coolness from a far more deserving Miles, Mick or Frank. As DJ would say, it makes you think.

What’s also gone criminally underreported are the nature of Wisconsin’s Big Ten titles, which have a checkered past worthy of a brighter spotlight. Three of the past four trophies are in Madison, we were repeatedly told ahead of the title game. 

The Badgers’ most recent trophy came at the expense of both Ohio State and Penn State heroically stepping aside to allow the Leaders Division 3rd Place Champions to take the spot in Indianapolis, facing a Nebraska team the Buckeyes scored 63 points against that season.

The relevant comparison here would be if Alabama and Mississippi State forfeited the SEC West's title game birth for third-place Ole Miss, which beat its three SEC East regular season opponents by an aggregate score of 110-26. Third-place Wisconsin beat the hapless Huskers by 39 and then went to Pasadena to lose its third-straight Rose Bowl - but remember, the Buckeyes, who won as many or more BCS bowl games than any other school - they're what's bringing down the Big Ten's national reputation.

No current Buckeye has ever participated in a losing game against Wisconsin.

After Saturday the series stands at 57-18-5 Ohio State with the Buckeyes taking seven of the past eight meetings, which encompasses both Wisconsin's title run as well as easily the worst Ohio State team of the past quarter century.

No current Buckeye has ever participated in a losing game against the Badgers. Wisconsin in the 21st century is the most mediocre tyrant the Big Ten has ever seen.

As Ohio State made its way to Indianapolis to face the title-collectors from Madison, OSU SID Gerry Emig tweeted the following:

The Buckeyes are on the road again to the Big Ten title game at Lucas Oil Stadium; 5 busses. @Spinnershells just put "Elf" on the VCR. Yes!

— Jerry Emig (@BuckeyeNotes) December 5, 2014

Elf is a terrific holiday movie. It includes this relevant line:

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

Alabama doesn't rank very highly in virtually any metric that doesn’t involve a football or gymnasts. However, just like Gary Andersen’s inexplicable coolness, there are notable and important exceptions that elevate the state.

Despite its ubiquity, Sweet Home Alabama is terrific song by (Florida band) Lynyrd Skynrd. Roll Tide is the most versatile American colloquialism outside of the word fuck in that it has dozens of different ways in which it can be correctly used in conversation.

And the Alabama Slammer, despite having plenty reasons to suck as a beverage, is surprisingly decent - as long as you’re quickly tossing it down your throat at 2am and not chewing it up slowly.

The Kermit. It should be everyone's business.

Slammers are normally constructed as a shot - hence the name - using Southern Comfort, amaretto and orange juice, which creates a problem: Situational bourbon is decidedly B1G in that it’s deliberately and painstakingly slow to avoid being too fast, so in order to get the Alabama Slammer up to code we need to make some alterations. 

We’re going to B1Ggify the Alabama Slammer into a reinvented sipping beverage called The Kermit.

The first thing we’ll do here is take all of the Southern Comfort in the world and launch it into space because SoCo should never be intentionally consumed outside of an exhilarated teenager-with-a-fake-ID’s unfortunate decision-making. Replace it with Eagle Rare - not the 17-year vintage; just the affordable second-shelf stuff.

While you’re at the liquor store pick up a bottle of Sloe Gin, (Sloe, Slow - it’s all B1G) which will make your quaint little basement bar look that much more sophisticated, as well as a bottle of Disaronno which will make it sexy too. Drop a shot of each into a shaker with crushed ice, squeeze half a lemon into it and add a half-shot of simple syrup.

In addition to punting the SoCo (from the 34-yard line) we have no use for orange juice outside of brunch mimosas or treating scurvy. Instead, take a blood orange and slice it into flat half-moons.

If you have the means, grill and sear those slices under high heat: Grilled fruit is incredible by itself, let alone in bourbon cocktails. If you made the Grilled Peach Bourbon Smash from a few Situationals ago you can vouch for this cocktail wrinkle.

Shake the mixture until your hand gets cold - this drink requires significant shaking; blame it on the gin - and then pour it into a Collins glass over two of your grilled blood orange slices. You’ll find The Kermit significantly more satisfying than its late-night Alabamian inspiration despite sharing the same roots in whiskey, amaretto and citrus.

Or, you could choose to do Alabama Slammer shots instead, but that’s none of my business.

THE PLAY-OFF

During a moment of weakness in the fog of euphoria that followed the College Football Playoff announcement on Sunday, I thought about how disappointed Two-Time DUI Offender and Convicted Maker of Criminal Mischief, Disorderly Conduct, Resisting Arrest, Inciting a Riot and Terroristic Threats (!) Mark May probably was with Ohio State's inclusion. 

May also moonlights as a pretend college football analyst on ESPN. Anyway, I was drunk on giddyness and tweeted this at his (inactive, abandoned) Twitter account.

.@mark_may only love can break your heart. This is probably just indigestion. Take a tums.

— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) December 7, 2014

It's true. He couldn't have been heartbroken; hate doesn't work that way. Besides, I'll exploit any and every opportunity to steal good song lyrics and use them appropriately:

Only Love Can Break Your Heart was Neil Young's melancholy follow-up single to Cinnamon Girl. It was song #3 on the A side of 1970's After the Gold Rush. Song #4? That would be Southern Man, which was one of two songs behind his feud with Lynyrd Skynyrd, which replied by famously dissing Young in Sweet Home Alabama. 

This was the rap feud before rap feuds were rap feuds. 

The song is perfect, sad and should have been left alone, except that Saint Etienne decided to make it into one of the worst remakes in the history of music 20 years after its release, a few months prior to Nirvana arriving and promptly destroying the 80s genre with Nevermind.

Thirty-four years later, Mark May unknowingly put the song in my head - and it was the least awful thing he's ever done to me.

Thanks for reading - now go get your hands on some dark chocolate peppermint bark.