The Situational: Enter Sandman

The conference's all-time leader in passing touchdowns, total touchdowns, total yardage and over two dozen Ohio State records is no longer permitted to participate in amateur athletics. J.T. Barrett, whose football career spanned 94 of the 121 years that the Big Ten has been in existence will be forced to do other things with his time now. 

Perhaps he'll still be in attendance for the Spring Game. But he won't be around to hurt you anymore with his pesky football playing. In his final campaign, which you agonized over, the B1G QB of the Year (third time) broke Ohio State's single-season record for touchdowns, despite sitting out almost three full games in aggregate garbage time.

Barrett broke Ohio State's TD record in 2017 despite sitting for almost three full games of aggregate garbage time.

We barely said anything about that, mostly because it felt like he broke school records every seven minutes. Yes, Barrett 2017 broke his own school record (2014) by two touchdowns. Third place is now Braxton Miller 2013, who had 11 fewer touchdowns. He had 16 more than Troy Smith in his Heisman year. Twenty-two more than Joe Germaine did in 1998.

You are now cured of your JTBIV record-breaking fatigue after four years. If you're relieved by the only three-time Buckeye captain exhausting his eligibility, you're keeping good company:

Happy JT has no more eligibility day

— Brad Muckenthaler (@MaizeBlueNation) December 30, 2017

That's one opinion. Here's another one.

JT is the greatest quarterback in Ohio State history. And I was lucky to play with him. Stay out of my mentions about it.

— Taylor Decker (@__taylordecker) October 28, 2017

Oh, just one more.

Barrett, who cannot throw, finished 2017 with more passing touchdowns than Michigan and Wisconsin had combined. He had seven more than Trace McSorely and was more efficient than him as well. McSorely, with eligibility remaining, is currently top five in B1G career efficiency history.

And yet, Penn State's signal-caller has never been the conference's QB of the year because some other guy always wins it (of course, B1G postseason awards have a strong Ohio State bias; that's why the Urban Meyer, Jim Tressel and John Cooper have won the past 40 Coach of the Year awards)

Efficiency is an underrated stat. We don't talk about it enough, in part because eyeballs have trouble identifying it during live game action.

How many FBS quarterbacks are there, anyway. Like, 12? Geez Barrett is even worse than we previously thought.

Anyway, his final career mark is 152.29 which is the best in Big Ten history. It's his final theft. He cannot break any more records now. Barrett can no longer hurt you.

By the way, he snatched that final record away from Germaine, who took it from Chuck Long. This last one is different from the other records he broke, where you usually say hurr durr he played so long of course he broke it. Efficiency is a statistic that actually gets harder to maintain the longer you play. 

Sure, Barrett could have thrown a more accurate ball at times. Perhaps he could have played on two better knees. Maybe he could have had, like, one consistent difference-maker at wide receiver instead of the swagalicious dropsie sextuplets for most of his career.

But that doesn't matter anymore. Everything JTBIV brought to the program - all of it, not just the misfired passes you cling to - has to be replaced now. This is the moment you and that Maize and Blue Nation fellow above have been waiting for: Ohio State's Next Guy.

There's no such thing as the offseason, comrades. Let's get Situational.

THE FART NOISE

Whether the committee chose Alabama or Ohio State, Clemson was facing a team out for payback | © Chuck Cook USAT Sports

Perhaps you won't watch Monday's national championship game because you're not interested. Maybe it's to avoid getting splashed by the errant climax of the southern autofellatio that has already begun in the wake of the SEC's otherwise terrible season postseason God doesn't care about your sports teams; stop asking Him for help you're just making yourself sad.

Or you're still bitter about the CFP selection stuff - but don't say that aloud. Say the game won't end until well after midnight and you're simply too old for that shit if Ohio State isn't playing. Those excuse optics are better. It's a school night.

There are reasons on top of reasons why you'll barely tune in to see Georgia play Alabama, if at all. College football has had a formal title game arrangement since 1998, when Ohio State (the best team in the country, by faaaaar) was left out after shooting its foot off against Michigan State late in the season back when the timing of those homicides mattered. Some of those games have been appointment television while others have been largely ignored.

Let's look at the latter and try to figure out why. Here are the least-watched CFB title games:

Weird, the three biggest clunkers all featured teams that didn't win their conference. *thinking face emoji*

This isn't a southern thing, either - so go ahead and lose that excuse. The final BCS Championship game (Florida State vs. Auburn) had a 15.7 rating. Alabama-Clemson (the title game, not Monday's Sugar Bowl) had a 15.8. Ohio State-Oregon did a staggering 18.5, and before you thump your chest with regional pride let's revisit why we watch sports.

Most people need a reason to tune in, and that reason is storytelling. People love a good story. They want to follow its path to fruition. ESPN knows this; it's why it produces and produces and produces stories about college sports to neatly arrange all around the games for which it owns the broadcasting rights.

The three lowest-rated TITLE games since 1998 HAD A team that did not win ITS conference. MONDAY'S GAME IS THE FOURTH TIME THAT WILL HAPPEN.

Oklahoma, Nebraska and now Alabama twice being chosen for something it isn't perceived to have properly earned fractures that tale. In most years there's a good, natural story to be told. When it begins to feel manufactured, the sport sheds its non-diehard audience. Ohio State shredded everything in its path en route to the 2014 title with a 3rd string quarterback, and that was storytelling at its finest.

Alabama played a so-so schedule, lost its rivalry game, didn't win its division, and was handed a revenge opportunity against a Clemson team that's not quite the juggernaut it was 12 months ago. You'll have to forgive casual sports fans for declining to show up next Monday.

Non-division winner Ohio State imploded in the 2016 playoff and also delivered a ratings dip, but thanks to the eternal genius of the playoff committee it's difficult to parse whether that's as responsible as putting those games on New Year's Eve was. Let's try not to think about last year's playoff either way.

Anyway, Georgia has a nice story to tell, but it's only half the cast. A lot of people have stopped caring about how this story is going to end because there have been far better ones before it, and we can look at past clunkers and see what happens when that is the case. You'll probably settle for catching the highlights on Tuesday after a full night's rest.

THE BOURBON

The Cut Block. Technically legal; borderline dirty.

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

I traveled to Europe twice in December, because I'm inversely as efficient as J.T. Barrett. One of my favorite things to do while traveling abroad is peruse Duty Free liquor to find a sweet deal. Johnnie Walker Blue for $99 plus a free leather bag at the Seoul airport remains my biggest win; Korea what are you even doing. Anyway, let's get back to Europe.

I saw B&B on the shelves as I typically do but finally realized I didn't know what B&B is. I looked it up. It's Brandy and Bénédictine. Oh cool, TIL. Wait, what is Bénédictine? And is it available without the brandy?

It is. Bénédictine is sold separately, and it has D.O.M. ominously printed on its label. Deo Optimo Maximo. That's Latin for "To God, Most Good, Most Great." It is made from 27 herbs and spices, which is just running it up on Kentucky Fried Chicken (looool the SEC loses again). It packs some serious flavor and depth. Let's add a neutral bourbon to it!

I created The Cut Block to put Bénédictine's supernatural powers to good use. You'll want a high rye (more nose, less bite) to let Bénédictine show off a little, so pick from Basil, Bulleit or Grand Dad. Two shots of that with a half shot of Bénédictine in a shaker with one cube. Two dashes of bitters, if you need them, then four gentle shakes.

Strain into your glass (you need a fancy new glass? Here are some) and garnish with a tart apple slice. Twenty-seven herbs and spices, combined with the majesty of bourbon. I mixed one of these up on the theory that it would make a good cocktail following my Duty Free epiphany.

It tasted great. I wasn't sure what to call it, then I felt it in my knees. The drink named itself.

THE PLAYOFF

Avoid reading the comments is sound Internet advice. Oh, not here though. The comments on Eleven Warriors are just fine. And not your comments, either. We're talking about every other web site and every other commenter's comments. Right.

The worst comments on the Internet can be found on YouTube. Sure, there are sites with greater toxicity and stupidity, but YouTube brings both size and reach, along with visual stimuli to deliver a comprehensively dumb experience while providing a powerful platform for vanity and misinformation, enabling even more terrible people to become famous than ever before. That's bad; the comments are usually worse.

There are literally millions of examples, but we need only one. Here is a video I shot of Virginia Tech's stadium entrance ahead of Ohio State's 2015 season opener.

Reactions appear without solicitation in your brain cage upon watching that video. That's natural. Comments like wow that's neat or hey, cool or Go Hokies or even Go Buckeyes.

Here are some of the actual, unedited comments that appear below that video:

He-Mans Furry Trunks: America the best turd polishers in the world...

Stephen Sloan2: You are retarted

       OwningTretards 2ndComing: Only a retard would spell "retarded" wrong...

Chris nitti: I wonder where the idea to kill came from

C92400: Probably enough teeth in the whole stadium to make a whole set.

       Kbholla3: unlike your mother

       PineKushDude2: fuck that muslim Obama.

Kevin Johnson: Last time I checked, Enter Sandman was not written for VT. VT just turned it into one of the greatest entrance songs in college football.

Just Talk: John Denver wrote country roads fuckhead

Patrick Fina: I've seen high school football stadiums louder then this... weak at best.

Colonel Indiana Long Nuts: What's this fake sport called???

Leslie Roush: Click bait!

Dale Thompson: So you claim enter sandman, but it is 2/3s through the video. #FakeNews

Dilbert Doel: I don't get it.

These were not selectively chosen to prove a point. This is a small, random fraction of the comments that have been posted under this video from the past 30 days. The video itself is over two years old. This is what happens with 100% of YouTube videos that gain traction.

Sure, Twitter is bad. Yes, too many low-information people form strong opinions based off of propaganda web sites designed to persuade exactly them. Correct, almost every loud political scientist in 2018 received an imaginary degree from the University of Facebook. But YouTube is without peer in terms of online garbage. Strive to be better than garbage.

Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Bucks.