Today's dispatches come direct from the far off world of tomorrow!

MIKE WEBER HITS 3000 YDS BUT WHAT HAS HE DONE LATELY?
October 29th, 2017

Recently Ohio State fans have been asking themselves what redshirt sophomore runningback Mike Weber has done for them--or indeed for anyone--lately, after his most recent milestone, eclipsing the 3000 yard season rushing mark after only eight games. Fans will point to his lack of true breakaway speed and his susceptibility to shoestring tackles, as well as the fact that 959 of those yards were accrued against Rutgers on the 30th of September, as evidence that he's just simply not that exciting. 

Mike Weber will be the first to admit that their gripes are not without merit:

"Hey, I get it. I'm a boring guy," he told reporters. "But you know sometimes it's good to not be so flashy, to be overlooked, even unnoticed. I mean, all season opposing defenses haven't been noticing me even when I have the ball, so I guess that helped a little."

COACH WILSON REGISTERS NEW WORD TO DESCRIBE OFFENSE
September 10th, 2017

After the Ohio State Buckeyes' incredible 69-0 rout of the Oklahoma Sooners, Coaches Meyer, Wilson, and Schiano retired to the cavernous splendor of Coach Meyer's home to drink brandy, reminisce about crushing their enemies, and watch ESPN highlights documenting the lamentations of Oklahoma fans. During this meeting Offensive Coordinator Kevin Wilson coined a new term to describe the state of the newly revamped Buckeyes' offense, which he has as of this morning registered with several key dictionaries: Explopendous.

WALK-ON KICKER'S FUTURE IN DOUBT
September 31st, 2017

During an otherwise clinical display of dominance in the face of hopelessly outclassed and dispirited opposition, there were a few sour notes on display for the Ohio State Buckeyes yesterday. Despite throttling the Rutgers Scarlet Knights to the tune of 162-0, Coach Urban Meyer was left visibly frustrated after the game by the performance of the Buckeyes' recent walk-on kicker, Lionel Messi (30), who missed six of his twenty-four extra point attempts.

"It's less than what we expect from our kicker," Head Coach Urban Meyer said of Messi's performance.

Special Teams coordinator Kerry Coombs was a little less diplomatic. "He's a bum, an absolute bum. Don't even know why we keep him around."

Only time will tell if all this pressure on the walk on will motivate him to improve or if he'll be drowned by inner doubts and questions of whether it was a sound career choice to give up a massive salary and the adoration of millions for the thankless job of a college football kicker.