What's up everyone? Trying something new today and experimenting with a linked, multipart story. Hope it's good.

LOVIE SMITH ANNOUNCES PLAN TO USE NECROMANCY TO CREATE ‘DREAM TEAM’ VS OHIO STATE

Facing an incredible uphill climb against a much more talented Ohio State team in Saturday’s tilt in Columbus, second year Illinois football head coach Lovie Smith has turned to the dark arts to bolster his team. After paying an unspecified amount in rubies and sapphires to necromancer-supreme Kirk “Action Bastard” Ferentz, Lovie Smith has announced that he’s planning to recruit some legends of Illinois football history to play against the Buckeyes. Among his selections listed in the latest depth chart: Red Grange (who really will be a galloping ghost now) in the “Curtis Samuel position,” Robert Reitsch at center, and at quarterback Isaiah “Juice” Williams (who we have every reason to believe is still alive).

Whether Smith’s unconventional strategy will work is unknown, as is its legality under current NCAA regulations. However a dark cloud has appeared above much of the Midwest as the necromancer Ferentz calls upon the dreadful eldritch power of the nether.

ILLIBUCK TROPHY COMES ALIVE—LOOSE ON CAMPUS. UPDATE: HAS DEVELOPED TASTE FOR HUMAN FLESH

It was earlier reported that Illinois head coach Lovie Smith was attempting to resurrect dead Illinois football legends to help his odds against Ohio State using the necromantic powers of Kirk Ferentz. Unfortunately, the ritual appears to have backfired, and rather than bringing dead football players back to life, the Illibuck trophy, a wooden turtle passed around between Illinois and Ohio State (but mostly Ohio State) has come alive like a golem of myth. After breaking out of its trophy case it ran amock through several buildings on the Ohio State campus before taking its rampage out into the streets of Columbus. Citizens are advised not to attempt apprehending the statue, which may or may not be dangerous.

Update: It appears that after an unsuccessful attempt by several private citizens to capture the living trophy, the Illibuck defended itself by biting, and has subsequently developed a hunger for human flesh. Police report that nearly a dozen people around Columbus have suffered bites, while several more are reported missing. Citizens are advised to stay indoors and lock their houses if they hear the approach of what sounds like someone walking very slowly in wooden shoes.

CARDALE JONES TO EXTERMINATE LIVING TROPHY

After a rampage that has seized the city of Columbus, Ohio with terror and led to the deaths of over twenty people including law enforcement and emergency medical personnel, hope has come to the city. On a nationally televised address from the cockpit of the F-22 Raptor he’d commandeered, former Ohio State quarterback and current LA Chargers backup Cardale Jones announced that he was flying to Columbus, where he will end the menace of the devilish Illibuck.

Cardale Jones, who of course has become world famous for waging a one-man war against mankind’s oldest nemesis, the badger hivemind, seems to have armed himself with a dazzling arsenal, including but not limited to: a proton pack, a sawed-off shotgun (his 12-gague), a chainsaw, an enchanted Warhammer, and a saber with a hilt carved from a dragon’s bone.

If anyone in the world can save us from the unimaginable evil of the Illibuck and the necromancer (Kirk Ferentz) who spawned it, then it is Cardale Jones. We wish him god speed.