A few days ago, the Ohio State football media dudes watched the trailer for season seven of HBO's Game of Thrones, and within approximately 36 seconds, had ripped some audio from it to create a super badass 2017 football trailer. We reported on that here, but you can go ahead and watch it at your leisure.
#GoBucks pic.twitter.com/P3fvxGKTuh
— Ohio State Football (@OhioStateFB) May 24, 2017
As per usual, they did an incredible job! It wouldn't be a stretch to say that the people in charge of promoting the hell out of Ohio State football are the best in the business, as evidenced by some really fantastic graphic packages, near-instant acknowledgment of Buckeye achievements in all sports, holiday greetings, and some cool candids from all over the place. Their game trailers during the football season are especially crazy, and you'd be hard pressed to find a lot of people who take any issue with what they do and how they do it.
And yet, here I am. The thing about being a card-carrying nerd is that you have a duty to pick as many nits as you humanly can for the honor of obscure bits of random television, film, and comic book trivia that you hold as sacrosanct as the Bill of Rights or the Gettysburg Address or something, you know, important.
So when I watch an Ohio State football video that positions the Buckeyes in the place of the Lannisters, a fictional ruling family teetering on the verge of collapse as the only thing keeping them together is a tenuous and incestuous relationship between twin siblings, I could just keep my mouth shut about how said "enemies to the north" are actually the heroes of the whole story and by making this video you're really just setting yourself up to look very silly (so tremendously silly) when Cersei ends up getting eaten by Drogon or something.
But I refuse to silence myself! This matters, kind of, and I'd hate to sit on the sidelines as the Buckeyes make fools of themselves to a handful of people for whom Buckeye football fandom and hardcore Game of Thrones fandom happen to intersect.
Here's another example of what I'm talking about:
#MayThe4thBeWithYou #GoBucks pic.twitter.com/LXNPyhwcMj
— Ohio State Football (@OhioStateFB) May 4, 2017
Okay, I will grant that Darth Vader is cool, and just because he's a bad guy doesn't mean that you can't reference him. But that's not what this Tweet does, you fools! To begin with, an unstable red lightsaber indicates a reference to Kylo Ren, a tremendous dork who also killed Han Solo. He sucks. Secondly, the music used sure sounds a whole lot like "Duel of the Fates" from The Phantom Menace, during the battle with Darth Maul (who ends up cut in half). Point is, this is mixing motifs from two different movies and still manages to avoid hitting the coolest single character in the Star Wars universe.
Another one:
Happy #NationalMarioDay from the Buckeyes and our own Super De-Mario!@DemarioMccall pic.twitter.com/SCd7NZYQX1
— Ohio State Football (@OhioStateFB) March 10, 2017
Okay, neat right? Except the trained eye will of course notice that in the original Super Mario Brothers, Mario pulls the flag down the pole as he slides, which Super De-Mario does not so here. Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
These are egregious, unforgivable errors. Luckily I'm here to help. The following are a few upcoming movie and television premiers this summer that the Ohio State media people will be sorely tempted to use to promote OSU football; without my guidance, they might stumble into a critical blunder like, say, attempting to care about the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. With it, they can be authentic, dyed-in-the-wool dorks.
THE DEFENDERS
Marvel's Netflix superhero universe is a tempting morsel to leech off of, but it also is filled with potential landmines for the uninitiated. The Defenders are a team consisting of Daredevil, Iron Fist, Luke Cage, and Jessica Jones, all of whom kick and punch and say badass stuff while fighting space ninjas or something. The naive might consider them all interchangeable, but there's a few things to consider before you fire up the ol' meme machine.
First, the Iron Fist series sucked. Danny Rand is an okay character, but had a terrible show and barely did anything cool. Plus, his whole thing is yellow/gold, which is almost an automatic disqualification. Second, while Luke Cage has similar issues, as a character he's way more badass than Iron Fist, so Cage along with either Daredevil or Jessica Jones could be proxies for the Ohio State football team. Just avoid whiny trust fund babies that don't actually punch anything.
SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING
While this one pretty obviously sets you up for a homecoming gag later in the season, just remember that no one at Ohio State actually cares that much about it. I mean, I know that you're contractually required to care, but spending precious waking hours working on a video or .gif referencing what at that point will be a months-old movie probably isn't worth it.
Also the Vulture was originally an elderly man that kept himself alive by sucking out the life force of those around him, making him much more appropriate for a Kansas State promo.
DUNKIRK
You might be tempted to use whatever dramatic ticking sounds or explosions or dramatic speeches you hear in this Christopher Nolan jam about the historic evacuation of Dunkirk at the dawn of World War II, but since football isn't actual war and nearly 100,000 people died there, I'd stick with the fake stuff.
THE DARK TOWER
Stephen King's epic tale of good versus evil in the American West (kind of) is going to provide some great content, but just remember:
And of course you've got a new Planet of the Apes movie, Wonder Woman, some animated crap about emojis, and all kinds of other pop culture ephemera you'll be tempted to latch on to. You could go it alone, but capturing the zeitgeist is always easier with a guide.
Usually at the end of one of my articles I try and include some kind of deeper point that I was striving for, or some kind of larger issue that relates to the topic at hand. Which is why it is extremely important that I point out, in no uncertain terms, that this is entirely for my own indulgence and sanity. There is no universe in which it actually matters if the masterminds behind promoting Ohio State football understand the ins and outs of the pop culture media that they co-opt to get some precious retweets online.
Unless you want to look as cool as possible. Although if there's a recruit that ends up rejecting the Buckeyes because the team didn't show proper deference to Davos Seaworth's mission to Skagos in The Winds of Winter, Urban Meyer probably wouldn't have the required patience to understand why it's important that Wyman Manderly is playing the long con against the Boltons, and how said knowledge could be used to win back this hypothetical mega-nerd five star recruit.
Which frankly is a tremendous shame, and why I'm offering my services as Executive Pop Culture Content Evaluator for every potential Tweet, video or image designed to appeal to all those Fellow Kids out there on the 'net. Any Ohio State representatives reading this can contact me at johnny@elevenwarriors.com. You are welcome.
