When you make dinner, you always watch the stove. When you set a particularly dumb toddler next to a pit filled with deadly asps, you keep the little tyke tethered to a nearby rock or tree. When keeping a ravenous wolf at arm's length, you make sure that your hand isn't coated in barbecue sauce. And when you know that the final game of the regular season will always involve an existential threat on the same level of climate change or a near earth object, you damn well better keep a wary eye on them in the weeks leading up to The Game.
Which is what Threat Level: Michigan is all about. This is no mere recap of how Michigan played the previous weekend; I've written those before (in the pre-Harbaugh epoch), and they were mostly spent with Ace from MGoBlog as he tried and failed to convince me that Fitz Toussaint was a capable running back and I should just give him a chance, dammit! No, in this weekly update, we'll cut through the treacle and get to right what you want to know: how much panic should you struggle to suppress on a week to week basis when thinking about the Michigan Wolverines?
Michigan begins its season by traveling to Texas to play Florida, which A) makes no sense, B) was a lot more interesting of a matchup before Florida suspended half their team, and C) probably will say absolutely nothing about the overall championship races in their perspective conferences. These are two teams destined for a 9-3 finish and a mediocre bowl in some dying sun belt town. And before you accuse me of downplaying the Wolverine threat, these aren't my words, they're from the Detroit Free Press:
Both teams are in similar positions. Michigan and Florida are both replacing a lot. The Gators have suspensions and QB uncertainty to deal with. The Wolverines will count on a lot of youth – basically everywhere. This won’t be a pretty game. In fact, it could be an offensive clunker for a while. If you’re Michigan, it’s a great way to start the season as you’ll figure out who you can count on right away. In games like this, you go with the better coach: And that’s Jim Harbaugh.
Wow! Excitement!
Of course, it's hard to make any reliable predictions about anything related to Michigan football when Jim Harbaugh refuses to release a depth carth of any kind. Freep has some guesses, but for now you'll have to be content with the two named team captains for the 2017 campaign.
Your 2017 Michigan Football Team Captains:
— Michigan Football (@UMichFootball) August 27, 2017
@MasonCole52
@BigPlayMcCray_9 #GoBlue pic.twitter.com/RM5cN9y1ZM
Congrats to them, I guess?
MICHIGAN THREAT LEVEL
Just two shouting Harbaughs this week. Aside from the incredibly annoying fact that Jim Harbaugh thinks that not releasing a depth chart gives him some kind of competitive edge over... I dunno, his own desire to not be a huge weirdo or something? Kind of a man versus self thing. Anyway, besides that, Michigan is a decidedly unsexy pick to be a Big Ten title contender. You'd be hard pressed to find more than one or two experts who think they'll make any kind of noise late in the season. For now, Michigan is a fairly minor threat to the Ohio State Buckeyes.
This is what happens when you return only six starters, but hey: they'll always have Rome.
So anyway, that's Threat Level: Michigan for this week, we'll see you next timOH MY GOD:
Introducing the Minion Pro Combat uniforms. pic.twitter.com/dcvuNH7Xfc
— Eleven Warriors (@11W) August 28, 2017
Nike has revenues of approximately 30 billion dollars a year. You would think that they'd be able to allocate some of those massive resources toward hiring just one or two dudes at minimum wage to tell them when it looks like they're outfitting players in what looks like a jersey made of the purest urine that Michigan has to offer.
It's kind of incredible that Michigan has figured out a way to snatch certain defeat out of the jaws of probable victory, because even if the Wolverines beat Florida this weekend, they'll have already lost whatever dignity and self-respect that's left over from every other time that they've tried to make a truly gross color combination even worse.
Threat Level: Michigan will be back next week, presumably after eye surgery to correct the damage their alternate uniforms has done to my rods and cones.
