The Situational: No Church in the Wild

It wasn't close. Even the third-string quarterback - back then known as the we ain't come to play school guy - got significant playing time. He even jumped over a dude. It was his first-ever career highlight.

His garbage time leap was so inspiring, that week's edition of the Situational featured a Cardale Jumping Over Things photoshop, along with a wistful statement about rooting for Ohio State's rarely-seen backup:

Hoping Cardale receives more memorable mop-up duty and additional air time just feels good.

The Buckeyes soared in their 2014 B1G opener.

Wonder whatever happened to that guy.

It was the Buckeyes' first clash with the Terrapins. Their first visit to Columbus came last year and Ohio State sleepwalked its way to a 21-point victory. Three days later Maryland fired Randy Edsall. It wasn't exactly the nicest welcome to the conference.

That 2015 episode - along with Nebraska's visit over the weekend - got me thinking about the Big Ten's newest adoptees: Columbus has been the rudest possible host for the Big Ten's 11-14 members.

The most competitive game any of them have played came via Penn State's 1993 visit, a 24-6 shellacking that wasn't nearly as close as the score might suggest. The Nittany Lions' second trip to Columbus marked the birth of Lee Corso's headgear tradition (SPOILER: he chose wisely)

Hazing new pledges is banned by most universities and fraternities, yet it's still somehow legal in Ohio Stadium.

Regardless of what happens Saturday in College Park (hey, maybe Joe Burrow will jump over a guy) history suggests Maryland's visit to Columbus next season is not going to have a happy ending for the Terps.

The Buckeyes just defeated Nebraska by 59 on a night where everything just clicked. The last time they beat a B1G West team by that margin they proceeded to score 42 in each of the following three games they played. Hooray, another 2014 parallel!

Three scheduled games remaining that will determine if the Buckeyes themselves can schedule three more: Let's get Situational!

The GESTURE

Tommy Armstrong returning from the Ohio State University Medical Center to the game (Zach Long/World-Herald)

The three worst words you can ever hear at a football game are he isn't moving.

They're followed by the worst possible sound in a stadium containing over 100,000 capable voices: silence. Sixteen seasons ago Penn State defensive back Adam Taliaferro was motionless on the Ohio Stadium grass for what seemed like an eternity. A little over a month ago Rutgers linebacker Greg Jones was immobilized and taken from the field. He isn't moving followed by the worst possible sound.

Saturday night it was Nebraska quarterback Tommy Armstrong. I was sitting a few rows above the Buckeye sideline where he landed on that play. It looked ordinary from my vantage point at first, but then two Ohio State trainers abruptly rushed to where he was lying to begin working on him while players from both teams viscerally reacted in a manner that screamed he isn't moving. 

And those reactions gave way to that awful silence. The video board, which showed multiple replays all evening, did not replay that 3rd down even once. Earlier in the evening the Buckeyes had honored Sam Foltz's family with a touching midfield tribute. It was the loudest silence of the season. Last year's Michigan State game didn't get that quiet.

Anyone watching on television got to hear sideline reporter Samantha Ponder's voice shaking badly as she attempted to provide a sober account of what was happening inside the huddle of bodies urgently attending to Armstrong. After a few minutes I saw someone toss aside a pair of shoulder pad pieces that had clearly been cut off. His father and fiancee were escorted onto the field by police.

The worst possible sound continued, unabated.

When Armstrong was finally immobilized and placed onto a cart to be taken - at an excruciating, deliberately slow crawl - to the waiting ambulance at the south end of the field, that sound was finally broken up by scattered, tepid applause. Television viewers could see Armstrong giving a thumbs-up. Most of the stadium - including me, and I had a great view - could not.

The Ohio State student section in the South Stands definitely couldn't see his gesture. But it still obliterated the Worst Possible Sound and the tepid applause that followed it in a manner that swung the entire stadium's emotions from dire to hopeful:

TOM-my ARM-strong (clap clap clapclapclap)

TOM-my ARM-strong (clap clap clapclapclap)

Television viewers were able to see Armstrong return to the stadium over an hour later, followed by a television camera. Footage from that camera was simulcast on the video board, showing a man in warm-ups jogging down a tunnel without any announcement as to who it might be. The crowd was just supposed to figure it out. 

There was a muffled buzz in the stadium, as the heads in the student section all simultaneously turned back to see what was showing on the video board behind them. This time, the entire stadium joined the students:

TOM-my ARM-strong (clap clap clapclapclap)

TOM-my ARM-strong (clap clap clapclapclap)

And he emerged triumphantly from the visitors' tunnel back into view to screams, cheers and that organic chant. Ohio State fans reached out from their seats to give him congratulatory high-fives. The Buckeyes' bench erupted in applause. It did not go unnoticed by Urban Meyer, nor by the injured visitor:

Thank you all for the prayers... everything is good and I'm glad to be back with my team. Also thank you @OhioStateFB and the fans.

— Tommy Armstrong Jr. (@Tommy_Gun4) November 6, 2016

I've spent fall Saturdays in that stadium for most of my life now, where I've gotten to witness and hear some of the best and worst things a fan's senses can experience. 

That was the coolest sound I've ever heard in that stadium. Thank you, Ohio State student section.

The Bourbon

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

This is a strict no-politics zone, so please enjoy the 12-second clip below without context:

Mazel Tov Cocktail. This election is finally over. We could all use a drink.

That lady was either referring to the music video for Run This Town or No Church in the Wild both of which I'm certain she's studied extensively - but the important, bi-partisan takeaway here is that Mazel Tov Cocktail is a terrific name for a drink. So great, in fact, that it already exists. In our nation's capitol, no less.

I've actually been to the DGS Deli where it's been on the menu for several years, but I probably skimmed right past it because it's made from prosecco and gin, a combination used by doctors to induce vomiting. So in lieu of making a second Mazel Tov Cocktail recipe, let's improvise.

Jefferson's Ocean: Shaped by the elements. 

Our next president has now been elected, so let's lean on a presidential bourbon to celebrate the merciful end to the political process. The entire Jefferson's catalog is recommended but we'll focus on the Ocean product because it is so historically unique - kind of like the two candidates who were atop this year's ballot.

Ocean, at first glance, seems like a gimmick. Aged at sea? Why would you care about where a bourbon was aged? It's a good question with a better answer. Ocean is left up to the elements. Ships rock back and forth. The temperature fluctuates drastically and unpredictably. There's salt in the air that surrounds the barrels. All of these variables impact how the mash bill develops and matures.

Just three barrels placed aboard Ochearch served as the experimental run for Jefferson's Ocean. The response was so favorable that it's now in larger production - difficult to find, but not impossible.

The Ocean I've gotten to enjoy (not from that first three-barrel run) looks much darker and starts far sweeter than Jefferson's Reserve or Presidential Select, but it ends with a Laphroaig-type finish. It's as if bourbon and scotch had a baby together that looks like mom but behaves like dad.

Thomas Jefferson was a serious wine drinker, but I imagine a courageous Founding Father would enjoy the hell out of Ocean; a smooth combination of the old and new worlds.

So here's how we'll get to a Mazel Tov Cocktail out of this unique bourbon, to honor and celebrate the closing of this unique election:

1. Pick up a bottle of Jefferson's Ocean
2. Pour yourself a glass, neat or one ice cube max
3. Drink it, slowly
4. Wrap the empty glass in a cloth napkin
5. Place it on the floor
6. Step on it
7. L'Chaim

The Playoff

The previously referenced Jay-Z videos are too hot for Eleven Warriors. More importantly, anyone who enjoys the genre has already heard those songs while anyone who hasn't probably avoided them on purpose.

So in the spirit of America, a compromise: Here are two mainstream British pop singers performing one of those Jay-Z songs in a manner that allows all of us to make fun of them. Somehow it still goes better than expected. No Mazel Tov cocktails were used or harmed in the making of this video. 

Thank you for consuming The Situational. Go Buckeyes, Go America.