The Situational: Goliath Awaits

Two months ago Wisconsin's then-rookie defensive backs mentor gave ESPN full access to his room as he prepared his unit for his sixth game ever without a helmet or pads. Leonhard provided an honest and comprehensive autopsy of what Ohio State's offense had been doing under its current coordinators:

"Is (preparing for Ohio State) nearly as hard as Michigan last week? Michigan was something new every single snap. These guys are almost the complete opposite. You'll watch the game and be like, 'Damn, they did exactly what we saw.' We'll just have to see early recognizing the formations that they're going to be in, then we'll motion."

It was an enlightening and informative glimpse into how an adversary prepares for the Buckeye offense, but if you're too lazy to click the link here's a summary: A neophyte position coach easily diagnosed Ohio State's offense to be as pedestrian as it was predictable.

All Clemson did over the weekend was take full advantage of what you've complained about for two full seasons.

The 2016 team of tarnished angels will now join their inversely-flawed predecessors in that dumb graveyard with a 31-0 epitaph. Those numbers will probably be the security code for the practice facility this spring. They'll definitely be a tired and deserved punchline for much longer than that.

Urban Meyer's football team hasn't come close to consistently running an Urban Meyer offense ever since the Buckeyes finished celebrating their 2014 national title. Ed Warinner and Tim Beck squandered an historical amount of seasoned and elite talent for the better part of 2015, and the final three games of 2016 left no doubt this arrangement was going to get blown up with haste.

That arrangement has now expired. All you're left with is loads of talent and a coach who hated the Fiesta Bowl far more than you did. Take a moment to appreciate not having the urgency of, say, Iowa.

The 2016 season ended with our pets' heads falling off. But that gruesome decapitation should accelerate the regrowth of new terrifying hydra heads with giant fangs, quickly. Let's get Situational!

The Debate 

My good friend and confidante Vico suggested this Clemson loss was the worst postseason setback Ohio State has ever suffered:

It rivals only the 2007 BCS National Championship debacle against Urban Meyer's Florida Gators. A late fourth-quarter offensive outburst on Saturday night may have spared Ohio State from finishing with a worst net offensive output than that game against Florida.

Granted, Vico wrote this in the hours that followed the game while we were all still bleeding from the eyes, but at risk of dating myself - I'm old enough to remember the 2007 BCS title game and everything that preceded it.

A quick comparison for those of you too young to remember the mid-aughts:

That Florida loss is without peer, compounded by occurring during the BCS era and lacking a recent precedent for shock. Since that night Ohio State has been bludgeoned by Southern Cal and under Meyer, every loss is a shock. We don't even appreciate 38-point shutout wins anymore. We were better prepared and warned for this, regardless of how badly it felt.

Hopefully one year from now we'll remember two things: 1) that 31-0 night against Clemson was what accelerated the urgency to reupholster an offense in dire need of reupholstering, and 2) confirmation that Ohio State's entry into the playoff arrived one year early - ahead of its resurgence - and in spite of its flaws.

The Scribe

Look at how diligent and determined this shittiness is:

Stay classy pic.twitter.com/Eak3HBhX1p

— OSU Specialists (@BuckSpecialists) January 1, 2017

​Imagine being so impotently angry after an Ohio State loss that you a) find a college kicker's email address b) compose a letter to him and c) accuse him of shaving points in a 31-0 loss during which he was on the field for two plays.

Tyler Durbin missed four of his final five field goal attempts on the season, finishing 17 of 22 on the year. He was automatic for most of the season until its climax. If there's a John Cooper of Ohio State kickers, it's Durbin circa 2016. Still, #CollegeKickers is the only predictable thing about college football.

He lacks a poker face and Durbin's reaction to those four misses was at least as anguished as yours was, but Saquon Barkley and Penn State's kicker were the only two B1G players who were able to outscore him this season. That's not really the point here, and you're not going to get a hey guys you shouldn't harass college football players message either because I'm hopeful my audience isn't on the fence about if that's acceptable.

The Buckeyes piled up negative plays all evening long while Durbin stood on the sideline, hoping for an opportunity at redemption that would never arrive. As it turned out, he didn't need it - Ohio State's catastrophic game plan actually bailed him out. Then "Trey Weisman" (there is no such person in the OSU directory) added his own frosting to create sympathy for Durbin's late-season failures. It could have been so much worse for the kid.

Durbin helped win games for Ohio State this season. He lost zero. Thanks, Fight Club.

The Bourbon

Papakolea. Bourbon Hawaiian style.

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

Order The Local Drink is a sturdy and time-tested method for imbibing while traveling. It's why rum makes perfect sense in the Caribbean, vodka is the call when in Russia and sake is a good idea in Japan (counterpoint: Rice wine tastes like bile but rejecting the local pride is rude as hell, especially in Japan).

However, if you're in those lands for an extended period of time you may get fatigued with the regional option and find yourself in search of a comforting piece of home. I was in Hawaii from Christmas through New Year's and after several 1,500-calorie Pina Coladas my pancreas decided to take a break. 

I found the Papakolea at the Kamuela Provision Company in Waikaloa. It would have been very easy to just order Buffalo Trace by itself in a glass, but I can have that on my couch without spending 12 hours in the air. The proliferation of bourbon has resulted in acceptable bourbon cocktails with local flair and the Papakolea was a delightful combination I had never tasted before.

Forcing a Pina Colada with bourbon instead of rum is as mystifying and as bad an idea as having your entire offensive strategy relying on the 2016 edition of Zone Six. It just doesn't work. Ingredients matter, so whenever you see ginger in a simple cocktail recipe with bourbon it's a green light. Bourbon is southern and bourbon with ginger is a southern staple. Proceed.

That was the foundation of the Papakolea, which is named for Hawaii's green sand beach. It then added fresh produce and herbs which - if you have never been to the islands, you may not realize this - grow exceptionally well in tropical climates. The result was the comforts of home combined with the local competence supporting why Order The Local Drink is a good idea. 

The Playoff

Here's the premise of Goliath Awaits: The RMS Goliath is British ocean liner carrying 1,860 passengers in September 1939. It's torpedoed by a German U-boat and sinks within minutes en route to the United States from Europe right before the start of WWII.

Its wreckage is discovered 42 years later by scientists in 1981 - present-day for when this made-for-TV movie originally aired - and they find hundreds of survivors and their descendants living inside the ship. Christopher Lee and Mark Harmon have starring roles and are supported by a B-list dream team that includes Kirk Cameron and a pre-Cheers John Ratzenberger. 

Thank you for getting Situational today. Go Bucks and Happy New Year.