"AT LONG LAST, COLLEGE FOOTBALL," you cry out into the darkness.
Deep down you know the satiety value of an April scrimmage ranks somewhere between a stale tortilla chip and that last furry-looking slice of bologna from the package. But you'll chew up Saturday's game with gusto, because your favorite songs will be played in your favorite building while your favorite team collides with your favorite team.
Let's not diminish the value of Ohio State's spring game festivities, because remember - it's not so much about the football as it is about extending the game day experience to everybody. It's supposed to be a stale tortilla chip.
DEVELOPING: Black jerseys confirmed for Saturday.
But does it also provide us a glimpse into the upcoming season? Let's check on how crystal that ball is.
2012: "Newfangled offense" debuts, highlighted by Michael Thomas' 12 catches for 141 yards. Thomas ended up sitting out the 2012 season.
2013: An air raid in Cincinnati! From an offense that ended up trying to bludgeon everyone to death!
2014: Corey Smith led all receivers that afternoon. Warren Ball and Bri'onte Dunn split the carries. Basically, the perfect encapsulation of how you eventually remembered the 2014 season.
2015: In which Nick Conner and Erick Smith are deemed Who's Next. Cardale Jones threw a 74-yard pass with a tired arm. Thousands of you in attendance wore this shirt. Good times.
2016: Over 100,000 attended this scrimmage, or about 30,000 more than will be allowed to attend this Saturday. Joe Burrow led the way, Malik Hooker had himself an afternoon - but this will forever be the Jerome Baker one-handed interception game.
2017: The debut (and finale) of the Mike Weber Throwback Pass to J.T. Barrett play, which was only run to get on film and force everyone to prepare for it sure to become a staple of the 2017 B1G champions' offensive attack.
2018: I'm wagering on Saturday being the Antonio Williams (pictured above) Game. You might learn one new prescient detail about what's to come with this year's team, but it's unlikely you'll get to learn two. Let's get Situational!
THE INSIDE VOICE
Herm Edwards at his first spring college football practice in 29 years. | © Rob Schumacher-USA TODAY Sports
Hiring a temperamental Baby Boomer with no current or practical experience - who is famous for being loud on TV and shooting from the hip - to do a big job: That's Arizona State's music! Let's see how that experiment is going:
Arizona State AD Ray Anderson had no problem w/ Herm saying he'll be cutting players. It happens all the time. Its called removing players from your roster that arent effective." https://t.co/LuoTwEcGpq
— Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) April 9, 2018
Hey, you're not supposed to say that out loud! Hold that thought for a moment.
First the Sun Devils hired former agent Ray Anderson away from the NFL's executive office to run an athletic department, with no AD experience. He then hired his former client Herm Edwards to run football, after a less than robust candidate search. Herm chose ASU over offers from [FILE NOT FOUND] due to being near retirement age, the job having no downside and millions of dollars seemingly falling out of the sky onto his head.
If you're searching for a recent analog to dubious hire athletic director recruits man with no market demand and gives him hilarious payday/raise there's exactly one of those, and it's David Allen Brandon getting Brady Patrick Hoke to coach at Michigan and lifting his income from $675,000 to eight figures overnight - because you overpay for quality, folks.
Tempe's most popular spectator sport now involves two Boomers navigating the modern college athletics landscape together, without a map. There isn't a single ASU Film and Media Studies major capable of writing a script this captivating - Anderson never worked for a university previously and Edwards coached defensive backs at San Jose State when Ronald Reagan was president. That's their college resumé. It's so crazy it will probably work.
The press release from Anderson's department announcing his friend's hiring was written by a corporate mad libs buzzword generator bot, and days into his tenure Edwards had to reassure people that he did, in fact, know what ASU's mascot was. It's a cactus on a skateboard. Or a pigeon wearing Oakleys. Or maybe it's nachos now? Stupid political correctness. Herm knows.
They're going to run ASU football like a business - why didn't anyone think of that before? We're talking about Nobel implications here, where the college football success model that traditionally relied on culture, recruiting, bagmen and facilities supporting under-compensated labor force abruptly tilts toward publicly contradicting the NCAA's historical position on amateurism.
So then...Rose Bowl? Rose Bowl. Both men should just try to use coded language when discussing headcount strategy. They shouldn't want the rest of college football learning the recipe to their secret sauce.
THE BOURBON
Bourbon from Wyoming. Barware from 11W.
There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.
While the April game in Columbus traditionally tells us little about the upcoming season for the Buckeyes, the April game in Cleveland is more revealing. The Browns are laser-focused on not Brownsing this year's NFL Draft, in which they hold two of the top four picks; a bounty made possible by the prior regime trading down from high ceiling MVP-caliber players and going 1-31 over two seasons in the process. Don't ask about winning games and winning drafts. Your tiny brain cannot wrap itself around a chess duel with this many dimensions.
Cleveland is likely to take a quarterback, again, with one of those two picks. It's a thick quarterback class, and recently the buzz has trended toward the Browns taking Josh Allen from Wyoming, who is basically recently-traded DeShone Kizer but without the one year of experience. Maybe they're bluffing? We're getting off-track.
There's a bourbon for when your NFL team might take a quarterback from Wyoming with a high pick where scouts cannot coalesce around what his upside might be, and it's Wyoming Whiskey.
WW is Guest Bourbon, which is to say you crack it when your spouse brings over her friend for a couples' evening, forcing you into an awkward adult play date with her friend's spouse. You could go conventional 1st or 2nd shelf with Widely Available Whiskey, which...sure, pouring Bulleit is so easy anyone can do it. But it doesn't help you in this situation.
If you go to the Relatively Obscure Tier instead - and pour WW - you've just layered in one more thing to talk about with this stranger in your attempt to get closer to the end of the evening. Wyoming is just good enough to not be bad; it's basically like eating an undercooked pancake that's been treated with nutmeg and cinnamon. And it's under $50, so you're not pouring turpentine, and you maintain your integrity without going overboard.
Just good enough to not be bad is a low bar, sure. For the Browns, it's an aspiration.
THE PLAYOFF
Ohio State's strength and conditioning program is managed meticulously Mickey Marotti, who identifies the guys who need to gain weight, and others who need to shed it. Abs are made in the kitchen; the weight room just makes them bigger. The nutritional program and supplements, ironically, do most of the heavy lifting.
Simpler version: One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small.
The Jefferson Airplane/original version of this song was a subtle message to parents who read Alice in Wonderland to their children, and then later were bewildered by how their kids could have possibly been introduced to psychedelic drugs. This cover version by P!nk is about football strength and conditioning programs though. Take your vitamins; feed your head.
Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Gray, Beat Scarlet.
