The Situational: Send in the Clowns

Long-time readers of this series will notice the usual flow and structure have been reformulated to better reflect the fact that we are living inside of a majestic and active college football season, and not stuck in some May hellscape trying to remember what Fall feels like.

No scandals, no distractions, no hunger pangs. Just actual football. Let's get Situational!

THE RUNDOWN: WEEK ONE

Kendall Sheffield finishing up a positive play for Ohio State's back seven. | © Joe Maiorana-USA TODAY Sports

11. I’ve walked up and down Lane Ave on opening Saturday for the majority of my life. Whether it’s the first game after Woody died, or the first game as defending national champions, or John Cooper’s first game, or Jim Tressel’s first game - or even Luke Fickell’s first game - there’s a positive and jubilant atmosphere.

Lane Ave always carries a palpable, excited tone on that morning as ticket scalpers take their positions, necklace vendors make their pitches, food trucks begin heating up and fans navigate between pregame appointments. There’s always that feeling. It's washes over you.

On Saturday the PreGame atmosphere felt wounded.

Saturday’s pregame was like nothing I've ever experienced on opening day. The atmosphere felt wounded. Even though we were mere hours from finally getting to a game and not having to think about investigations, redacted police reports, inconsistent storytelling or hindsight organizational management, the August from hell was still lingering in the air on September 1.

An early kickoff time always tempers the excitement, but this was like I’ve never experienced. Opening day didn't feel normal until the band finally marched out of the tunnel.

10. The consensus weather forecast for Saturday was the game would be a dry affair:

There's a 10% chance of light showers in the noon hour, with winds at 6 mph out of the southwest.

Light showers.

High Street currently pic.twitter.com/cNMAF2o1kf

— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) September 1, 2018

The first typhoon arrived right as TBDBITL was finishing up its Queen tribute. The second one had the courtesy to wait for the game to be finished before re-flooding campus.

Being off a couple of degrees in the forecast seems like it would be within the margin of error. Business planners and stock prognosticators know this; they provide best-case/worst-case/probable case scenarios, and weather is no different. Wide open spaces can have variations in weather; sometimes it snows a few blocks away while there are no flakes where you are standing. It's a harmless foul ball; you still made contact.

But if you’re incapable of seeing two (2) torrential rain storms coming to where 107,000 people are going to be sitting for four hours, maybe the profession needs better equipment than [checks notes] high-definition satellites hovering above the planet showing you exactly what to point at on television. Just read tarot cards or do armpit farts during that part of the local news instead. It's more dignified than telling people it's probably going to be dry.

The majority of the roster was on display Saturday. | © Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

9. Ohio State’s 4th string running back had 9.3 yards per carry on Saturday. Ohio State’s 4th string running back had a touchdown on Saturday. Ohio State’s 4th string running back actually played in a football game on Saturday.

It’s quite possible that none of these things will happen again this season, especially with the new redshirt rule. This is a long and inefficient way of saying that Oregon State's defense isn't good and Ohio State's offense very much is.

8. In light of the Zach Smith stuff - specifically, how anyone paying attention to the program always knew he was a terrible ambassador for the university as well as a lousy football teacher - I’m going to make an effort to be less nuanced about criticism and point rudely at red flags instead of talking around them.

So, why exactly is Bill Davis, the best man from Meyer's wedding and Urban's college buddy, on the coaching staff? Ohio State isn’t a family-run corner store. Davis isn’t Meyer’s young son or nephew trying to learn the ropes of the business with a temporary and low-level position to get his start in coaching. He has averaged a new job every 24 months over a 26-year career but is now in his third season working for a man, arguably his best friend, who has fired exactly one person in his career (you might have read about that earlier this summer).

Urban Meyer has assembled arguably the deepest staff in all of college football. | © Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Davis' previous stop was with the Philadelphia Eagles, where he was terminated without an announcement or a press release, which in the NFL is weird. His defense was ranked 30th in yards allowed (28th pass, 32nd run and note, there are 32 NFL teams) and just two seasons later the man who replaced him - whose defense finished 4th - is being fitted with a Super Bowl ring. 

The postmortem from Davis' stint with the Eagles is relevant:

Davis' defenses were not overwhelming successes over the last three years. But being the defensive coordinator for a (Chip) Kelly-coached team is not going to be an easy job for anyone. Kelly's insistence on offensive tempo is always going to put a strain on his defenses.

Since we're getting rid of nuance, let's be direct: Meyer borrows a looooot from Chip Kelly.

The linebackers, Davis' responsibility, were exposed several times last season, most notably in the Buckeyes' two losses, and on Saturday they showed again that their proficiency in maintaining gap integrity in a Greg Schiano defense where that skill is not optional needs a ton of work. Yes, there are new guys on the field, but I've looked all over his resumé for a reason to be inspired and cannot find one. "Got a dozen chances to coach very briefly for a whole bunch of NFL teams who did nothing to retain him as he took lateral moves elsewhere" doesn't do it.

What happens if Davis (who has none of Zach's conspicuous character issues) doesn't perform at an elite level of coaching, recruiting and unit stewardship - as Meyer demands of every other coach who did not give a speech at his wedding or had a grandfather he adored? It's rhetorical. Don't answer it.

7. Speaking of replacing underwhelming position coaches, Ohio State’s wide receivers - whom J.T. Barrett detractors screamed just needed to be thrown open the past two seasons - were wide-ass open all afternoon. Let's emphasize that Oregon State's defense is atrocious and that Barrett wasn't nearly as courageous as his successor in placing the ball into tight spaces. There's a gradient here, and it's possible that both the QB and the WRs have evolved, not just one or the other.

Passes weren't clanging off Zone Six's hands as they have so often in the past, and they were routinely all by themselves with plenty of room to YAC as well. Wonder what changed.

6. Dwayne Haskins doesn’t throw. He has no windup. I'm not sure he can raise his arms above his head either. If I had not seen footage of him as a child I would assume he is a friendly cyborg who plays for the right team.

Haskins hits Terry McLaurin for the game's first TD.

Haskins surveys the field, makes the read of his choosing and then opens his palm. The football then does that thing the Starship Enterprise did whenever Kirk got space-horny and needed to find an alien in heat three galaxies away. It shows up exactly where it was programmed to be, usually in a receiver’s hands or on Parris Campbell’s back shoulder while Parris is turned the wrong way.

Everyone who bet Ohio State's offense would look a lot more like the last three games of the 2014 season than it has at any time since then - hold onto those tickets. They're still good.

HALFTIME: THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

It's very likely that The Situational would not exist were it not for Elmer T. Lee. Not the wonderful bourbon or the bottle pictured here, but the guy whose face is on the label.

Elmer T. Lee. Probably bourbon's all-time MVP.

Lee created and released Blanton's - named for his old boss - in 1984 back when American whiskey was basically a rumor, long replaced by vodka as some sort of Cold War prank. The Russians had infiltrated the American spirit with rubbing alcohol that requires mixers to be palatable. Vodka is the fish of liquor, which means you make it taste as little like vodka as possible so you don't throw up when you consume it. Yes, just like fish.

Blanton's is and was a sophisticated single-barrel bourbon that introduced the premium entry into the market; a brown liquor you would try at tastings while wearing a collared shirt and chew up in an attempt to peel apart the layers of character (maple, vanilla, shoe leather). People tried it and realized holy hell bourbon is good, actually. One year after hitting the market, Lee retired, because why not go out on top. A year after that the distillery released Elmer T. Lee, which follows the same premium single barrel strategy as Blanton's. Both are universally appreciated and coveted.

You previously read about Blanton's in this space when Justin Timberlake suggested it was made in Montana, which was a little too perfect of the caricature of a wealthy, shallow consumer that has pursued and hoarded great bourbons to the point of oblivion. Blanton's is not from Montana. It is quite literally the reason bourbon production and consumption is soaring in 2018.

This was all Elmer's doing. Sure, it's lousy that premium bourbon is oftentimes scarce. But do you know what sucks more than that? Vodka.

THE WALKUP: WEEK TWO

Hello, old friend. | © Noah K. Murray-USA TODAY Sports.

5. Oregon State's offensive line returned four starters from a group that finished second in the Pac 12 in TFLs, and Nick Bosa ate, digested and crapped out three of them on Saturday. Juniors Gus Lavaka (the most skilled lineman on a good unit) and Blake Brandell along with senior Trent Moore all ended up on the wrong side of the highlights. 

Rutgers' best player - on the entire roster - is its left tackle Tariq Cole and like the Beavers, the line isn't the reason the Scarlet Knights will lose games this season. If what MGoBlog refers to as The Four Bosas of the Apocalypse continues what it began in Week One, hoo boy. Oregon State and Rutgers are not among the best teams the Buckeyes will play this season, but both should be among the better OLs they face.

4. It's natural if not comforting for Michigan fans to look at the loss to Notre Dame and attempt to build a parallel to Ohio State's 2014 evening with Virginia Tech, as Ed Warinner was coaching the losing team's line on both evenings and the Buckeyes not only didn't lose again, but the line became the heartbeat of a national championship run.

This was to be expected. Michigan has been making Warinner-Ohio State parallels since his hiring. It's the whole reason he's there, to build what he built in Columbus. You can pick and choose whatever stats you want to make a point, so let's do that.

Barrett was making his first home start, whereas Shea Patterson is in his third season as a Power Five starting quarterback. Ezekiel Elliott was still recovering from a broken wrist that night and was used minimally, so the Buckeyes towering improvement is probably a little overstated. Either way, I can't remember who Ohio State's Jon Runyan Jr. was in 2014. Good luck, Ed.

3. Louisiana State got itself a Joe Burrow and promptly deployed it in classic Tresselball fashion.

Louisiana State Competent Game Manager Joe Burrow leading his team to victory. | © Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Burrow is very good at handing off, reading defenses, throwing the ball away, staying cool, leading by example and avoiding mistakes. He would be a marvelous Tresselball quarterback if he didn't also have a precision arm and big play ability, which hey maybe LSU will deploy now that the next opponent - in-state patsy Southeastern Louisiana - isn't the 8th ranked team in the country like Miami was.

Amish Kenny Guiton, Nouveau Cajun, and Ohio State Graduate Good Threaux Jeaux Burreaux will make his Baton Rouge debut on ESPN2 following Ohio State's clash with Rutgers. Columbus will be watching, again.

2. Fully embracing that Jonathan Taylor, Akrum Wadley, LJ Scott, Miles Sanders, etc all exist - there's a non-zero chance that when the Big Ten's all-conference teams are announced in December the 1st team running backs come from the same backfield.

It's going to come down to big game performances. A season after not playing any team remotely close to being ranked away from home until it met the Buckeyes in Indy, Wisconsin goes to Iowa City, Ann Arbor and Happy Valley. Taylor will have ample resumé builders. Everyone will.

Both Mike Weber and J.K. Dobbins are capable of starting anywhere, and with Haskins' arm keeping defenses from stacking against them...yeah. Non-zero chance.

1. In 2014 it was Virginia Tech. Ohio State was a different team after that.

In 2015 it was Michigan State. The Buckeyes finally figured out who they were only after the Spartans woke them up - but in that case it was too late. In 2016 there was no real wakeup call (that Penn State loss felt more fluky than anything else?) and last year Ohio State beat No.13 Sparty by 45 points the week after the Iowa Massacre and never lost again.

Iowa 55, Ohio State 24. Perhaps this was a wake-up call that can last longer than one season. | © Jeffrey Becker-USA TODAY Sports

We've become accustomed to Ohio State being jarred into urgency by unexpected setbacks. As the Buckeyes prepare to take the field for another Saturday without the program's architect, I wonder if the wake-up call for 2018 might have occurred prior to any games being played. The 2015 (and 2010, and 1998, and 1976) teams might have been too good. They all could have used a poke in the eye before they got stabbed in the heart.

It's too soon to know if this feels different, but it feels like it could feel different. Let's revisit this a couple weeks when the team returns from Arlington, and then every week after that.

Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Bucks. Beat Rutgers.