Ohio State's regular season is now 25% complete.
Every week presents the program with the same three objectives:
- Stay out of COVID jail √
- Hope the rest of the schedule also stays out of COVID jail √
- Win a football game and maintain physical health √
The Buckeyes are free citizens, 2-0 and have no incarcerated opponents. If they can climb to 6-0, they're probably heading to Indy. Get to 9-0 with a fourth-straight conference championship and they should get a shot at participating in whatever a playoff for 2020 looks like.
But before any of that happens, they need to get to 3-0 which means they need to defeat the first competent Rutgers team since 2014. If your memory is failing you, that was Eight-Win Quick Lane Bowl Champion Rutgers. The eventual national champion did some dancing that afternoon.
Ohio State's biggest rival may be Michigan, but Rutgers has been holding the Buckeyes to fewer points recently.
While Rutgers is objectively better than it has been, the Buckeyes should still exceed 100 points over the next two Saturdays - provided Objectives One and Two are met. The Scarlet Knights and Terrapins have only held the Buckeyes under 50 twice - in 2015, when Ohio State only scored 49 points against each of them. Anything south of that is a new program record; anything north is The Usual.
And Rutgers has been the butt of jokes recently, but it hasn't been the butt of Ohio State's scoring output. Bowling Green, Nebraska, Maryland (thrice) Michigan and Miami have all allowed the Buckeyes to score 60+ since 2016, something the Scarlet Knights have never allowed to the Scarlet & Gray. Ever.
A team needs goals! Stay out of COVID jail. Win games. Put 60 on Rutgers. Get Situational.
OPENING: PARALLEL UNIVERSE
Sep 14, 2019; Bloomington: Justin Fields throws a pass against the Indiana Hoosiers at Memorial Stadium | ©Brian Spurlock-USAT Sports
Road teams were undefeated in B1G action on Saturday, and if we were still navigating through Earth Two's original plans Earth One's undefeated Indiana Hoosiers would be descending on Columbus this Saturday.
But instead, Ohio State gets Rutgers while the first 2-0 IU team in 27 seasons will be hosting the slightly-favored Michigan Wolverines, whom like Penn State has been involved in some incredibly close games with the Hoosiers as of late.
Indiana finally vanquished the Nittany Lions in the opening frame by a hair while Michigan continues to suffer from its Mike Hart Curse. If IU can get by the two Michigans over the next couple of weeks, the B1G East game of the year would feature the Hoosiers in Columbus.
And you thought 2020 was going to stop being weird. You're silly!
INTERMISSION: THE SOLO
Rupert Holmes has written a bunch of songs, but the two you can name fastest are Escape (The Piña Colada Song) which is not about piña coladas, and You Got it All, which is also not about piña coladas.
Both songs are about hatching plans to engage in extra-curricular action without one's significant other finding out. The only drink that can quench thirst like that is coconut cream, light rum and pineapple juice an unfamiliar naked body. Two catchy songs, same juicy theme.
As for deciding which one lands in this space, everyone knows slurpy, moonlit sax beats a mailed-in tacky guitar every time. There's your tiebreaker - we've chosen our fighter. Let's answer our two questions.
Is the soloist in this video actually playing the saxophone?
That's Eddie Wolfgramm on tenor sax. Younger brother Eugene handles alto sax. All eight members of The Jets are Wolfgramm siblings, including baby sister Elizabeth on lead vocals. She is 13 (t h i r t e e n) in that video, crooning about the superiority of her jump-off compared to her steady, as her siblings assist with Holmes' thirst trap anthem. Discuss amongst yourselves.
Had The Jets sung Escape the outcry would have been over a 13-year old crooning about piña coladas, which would have been dumb because it's not about piña coladas. It's about a booty call. You Got it All is too. Shout out to liquor laws for keeping our kids safe from fruity drinks. VERDICT: Eddie is actually playing the sax.
Does this sax solo slap?
It's a competent effort that loses slurpy, moonlit solo points for having a 13-year old bookending it with jailbait poetry. We're on the periphery of the creepy anthem catalog which used to dominate airwaves without anyone batting an eye. Watch this and you'll feel better about You Got it All.
Even jailbait legend Britney Spears waited until she was 19 to cover it. That's maturity, folks. Shout out to Britney for keeping our kids safe. VERDICT: Does not slap.
THE BOURBON
There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.
You remember 2016, don't you? It was about 400 years ago but you were there - we all lived it together. Here's a reminder of how life was back then:
Zone Sicks accounted for 5 of Barrett's 14 completions in 1st half. They (the true WRs) had just 5 of J.T.'s 28 completions last week.
— Chris Lauderback (@Chris11W) October 29, 2016
We regularly referred to Ohio State's WR room Zone Sicks. Because the WR room was not well!
Least scary Halloween costume:
— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) October 29, 2016
Four years ago Ohio State was stretching defenses with Noah Brown, Corey Smith and James Clark. Four years later Garbage Time Zone Six features Julian Fleming, Gee Scott Jr. and Jaxon Smith-Njigba.
The unit is the envy of college football and arguably the deepest anywhere of the millennium despite what Dispatch beat writers might suggest. The current guys just get open!
Bourbon Piña, from the Jim Beam lab.
We should be open, too - four years is an eternity; plenty of time for growth. One more look back at the past to demonstrate how much progress these past four years have delivered - so much has changed!
Forcing a Pina Colada with bourbon instead of rum is as mystifying and as bad an idea as having your entire offensive strategy relying on the 2016 edition of Zone Six.
The Intermission this week was not about piña coladas. PLOT TWIST: The Bourbon section is about piña coladas.
Zone Sicks is no more, and piña coladas with bourbon instead of rum are absolutely fine in 2020 since there are no more pesky rules. Here's how you can make a refreshing batch to enjoy with others in your locked-down bungalow.
Take a pitcher filled with ice and add 16oz of pineapple juice, seven shots of Jim Beam, three shots of coconut creme and a shot of simple syrup or triple sec (you can skip the last part as I do; it's sweet enough without extra sweetener).
| PINEAPPLE JUICE | 16oz |
| JIM BEAM | 11oz |
| COCONUT CREME | 5oz |
| PROSECCO | 4oz |
| LIME OR MINT | garnish |
Now pour two glasses of prosecco and sip on one to celebrate Ohio State's deep and talented wide receiver room, led by one of the best assistants in the game. Carefully pour the other into the pitcher. Cut two limes into quarters, squeeze them and drop them into the pitcher whole.
Gently stir and and pour bourbon piñas while you revel in how far Zone Sicks has come in just four seasons while delicately explaining to your compadres that there are no songs about piña coladas.
CLOSING: SHOW OF HANDS
Oct 24, 2020; Columbus, Ohio, USA; Ohio State Buckeyes quarterback Justin Fields (1) runs during the third quarter against the Nebraska Cornhuskers at Ohio Stadium. © Joseph Maiorana-USA TODAY Sports
Justin Fields finished 3rd in 2019 Heisman voting behind Joe Burrow and Jalen Hurts.
Burrow was an incumbent QB whose performances were must-see affairs from the outset. Hurts was a well-known brand and transfer into a system that produces Heisman QBs. Fields shared a backfield with JK Dobbins and a locker room with Chase Young.
The Heisman is an election, and the key to winning it is having the right momentum while being from the right a) position group b) program, and c) region. If you've got the combination of all four, you're in good shape. Young had some of them; linemen have close to no shot. Joey Buckets had it all.
Fields is from Georgia and split votes with two star teammates last season, as he joined Chase in Manhattan with JK finishing just outside the top five. The Buckeyes - deep as they are - do not have another player on the roster this season who will threaten an invitation to what will be a virtual ceremony this year.
Ohio State hasn't had a candidate with this level of momentum and combination of all three attributes in a long time - possibly ever. Troy Smith's campaign began in the previous season's Fiesta Bowl. Eddie was not on the Heisman radar entering 1995. Archie was the incumbent. Fields set his table in 2019 and he's primed to clear it this season.
IT'S HARD TO SEE THE HEISMAN TROPHY tipping away from the native Georgian who spent last December in Manhattan AND thIS fall saving the B1G football season HE ENDED UP DOMINATING.
If he continues to paint the boundaries with perfect stripes to Chris Olave, Garrett Wilson and the elite talent behind them - and especially with only a serviceable running game at his disposal - he's not only going to end up at that ceremony again, he's going to need to have a speech prepared.
Two games into the season and Fields is the best bet the Buckeyes have had to add to their trophy collection over a decade that's already had him, Young, Dwayne Haskins and Braxton Miller all finishing in the top five.
If this comes down to Fields or Mac Jones, it would be very hard to see the election tipping away from the native Georgian who spent last December in Manhattan, spent the fall saving the B1G football season - and entered winter having dominated it.
Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Bucks. Beat Rutgers. Take care of each other.
