THE SITUATIONAL: Hollow Kingdom

Obviously we're talking about the men's basketball team - which would be 6-0 had the Alabama A&M game taken place as scheduled. The women's team is 4-0 and winning each of its games by a trillion points. They lost out on two sure wins to the virus and should also be a perfect 6-0.

And yes, Ohio State's football team is also 5-0. A year ago this week the Buckeyes had the same number of losses along with eight more wins. No one in the college football universe questioned their championship credentials. Everyone had seen more than enough.

A year later Ohio State is almost participating in this football season. Its conference, which could not have handled the pandemic in a more comically inept fashion had to sheepishly revoke its own arbitrary rules to qualify the Buckeyes for its title game as an undefeated, three-time defending champion that faced and beat the next best team in the division.

This year's Ohio State Buckeyes are a trailer for a feature-length film we will never get to see.

Northwestern, whose only loss was to a team the Buckeyes decapitated by 40 points with a partial roster and coaching staff is somehow a play-in game for the CFP. A sixth win as a 20-point favorite in an empty stadium should clinch it. We only have a few more days to say it: 2020, man

Six games is half a normal football season. This year's Ohio State Buckeyes are a trailer for a feature-length film we will never get to see. All of the customary scenes - Homecoming, Senior Day, forgettable wins against bottom-dwellers that pad statistics and allow Justin Fields to advance what should have been shoe-in Heisman candidacy - never got filmed. We can only imagine.

You're still allowed to enjoy it, however hollow it feels. Championship week! Let's get Situational.

OPENING: PARALLEL UNIVERSE

The Ohio State Block O student section cheers on the Buckeyes during a 2016 game. | ©Adam Cairns/Dispatch

Earth 2 is nothing but final exams this week. Regular Earth gets football too. Hopefully.

Another season with full stadiums, memorable TBDBITL performances and Block O card stunts are still fresh memories. Eight sousaphone players dotted the i this season on Earth 2. Justin Fields' Heisman Trophy is currently on display at the Woody while recruits get their nickel tour of the facility - in person, not via FaceTime.

It's a safe assumption the Buckeyes made it to Indy again, but did Northwestern represent the West in a 12-game slate? The Wildcats here lost to Sparty, won only twice by double-digits and sneaked out the rest of their wins against bad teams and Iowa. A full slate would have likely branded a few more Ls on their hide.

But if not Northwestern, then who? Wisconsin, which went 2-3? Iowa, which started 0-2? It's hard to see all of Earth 2 through the rona fog. We only know the Buckeyes were a safe bet and the plague scrambled everything else. Hey - let's never do this again.

INTERMISSION: THE SOLO

A few weeks ago we discussed how Elizabeth Wolfgramm playing the role of 13-year old homewrecker in You've Got it All was just one entry in the expansive Casual Sexualization of Children 80s music catalog. The song isn't Benny Mardones-creepy (he proudly admits to crimes in the lyrics!) but still yeeshy enough to cringe.

Another song on the periphery of that catalog - on account of being too cheeky to be taken seriously - is Bad to the Bone, which opens with the following Penthouse letter to the editor:

On the day I was born the nurses all gathered 'round
And they gazed in wide wonder at the joy they had found
The head nurse spoke up and she said leave this one alone
She could tell right away that I was bad to the bone

It's the inspiring tale of a newborn infant seducing a tenured labor and delivery nurse. And he's lucid enough in spite of his harrowing embryonic journey to carry a full first-person recollection of the event.

Baby George was outside of the womb for mere minutes before realizing leaving was a mistake. You cannot teach a male baby machismo. Nurses work in exhausting 12-hour shifts. It's easy to see how this tale was destined to unfold.

And this classic prey-predator conquest anthem includes a sax solo. Let's answer our two questions.

Is the soloist in this video actually playing the saxophone?

That's Hank "Hurricane" Carter, who was born with seven sets of lungs. He carries dual hook-and-solo obligations on the song, but in criminal 80s fashion he's replaced by some bizarre boxing club/pool hall role play, leaving his sax solo unseen. VERDICT: Inconclusive, like a bad booth review.

Does this saxophone solo slap?

Hurricane plays every card in the Blue Sax deck, from hitting the blue notes to squealing raspy tones to going long on a wicked flutter tongue arpeggio in the key of G. This is a professional performance, outshining a hunky baby's ability to reel in fatigued nurses while rocking a pacifier. When the song ends, all you feel is that sax. VERDICT: Like a hurricane.

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

The number one request I find in my email from strangers or in my DMs on twitter goes something like this: hey ramsey I have a friend whose birthday is coming up and he likes Makers and coke, where can I get a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle?

Old Rip Van Winkle. If you see it for $69, buy it.

My answer is always hey, here you go.

PVW has been almost entirely secondary market juice for a decade now, so your marked-up price tag is going to have a comma you don't want in it. It's objectively great bourbon, but that's all it is - you're not going to be smarter or more handsome for getting your hands on it. Most of what's featured in this column runs for south of $60. Approachable and attainable are overlooked whiskey characteristics.

But if you'd like to get into the Van Winkle lifestyle on the ground floor at the 10-year category, that option will run you a cool $69 in an imaginary world where product actually makes it to a store shelf instead of a cost-prohibitive lottery. Old Rip is absolutely worth the MSRP price tag, however (in my best DM voice: here you go) this is what it usually goes for on the secondary market.

And yeah, it's great. Warm and peachy, complex and lingering. You can go minutes between sips and Old Rip stays with you. Is it the psychological accompaniment that comes with enjoying fancy, elusive and expensive juice? Yes, partially. Old Rip and the PVWs aren't just marketing - they're legitimately the elite bourbons and have been for awhile.

Dopamine rush is something your body just adds to it. If you're interested in 10-year bourbons in a palatable pricing window you can find in stores without investing six months into a relationship with the liquor store manager, Henry McKenna, Russell's and Widow Jane are atop my list.

CLOSING: THE HOLE IN THE GROUND

Dec 1, 2018: Jelani Roberts makes a catch against Shaun Wade in the 2nd half of the 2018 B1G Title Game. ©Aaron Doster/USAT Sports

Let's assume Ohio State's talent advantage and coaching are more than enough to survive Northwestern.

The Buckeyes (6-0) would grab one of four tickets to the College Football Playoff, where they would face Alabama (11-0), Clemson (10-1) or Notre Dame (11-0). If Pat Fitzgerald and his merry band of future middle managers pull off the upset, Ohio State would land in a New Year's Six game against Texas A&M (7-1), Oklahoma (8-2) or Iowa State (9-2), Cincinnati (9-0), Georgia (7-2) or Southern Cal (6-0).

You can see where this is heading. After Northwestern, Ohio State will earn a high-stakes matchup based mostly on reputation against a formidable opponent that carries a half-season advantage.

Outside of USC - whom the Buckeyes could only face if the Wildcats win as a three-touchdown underdog - every other possible opponent will be more seasoned, weathered, toughened and developed on account of playing in a conference that didn't comprehensively fuck absolutely everything up from the jump.

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The Buckeyes would be playing teams that participated in full football seasons. Their engines are warmed up and they have four-quarter, full-contact endurance muscles. Game rhythm and cadence are wired into all of their units. They've been hit and hurt and tested by more than just COVID nasal swabs.

Meanwhile, your team has only participated in an uneven series of disjointed semi-scrimmages.

This is a significant disadvantage for Ohio State. It ended up with more off weeks than game weeks this season - the last time the Buckeyes were set up to fail like this Tim Beck and Ed Warinner were working themselves out of roles they never should have had.

So securing the big 2020 trophy wouldn't be an upset on par with riding a 3rd string quarterback to the title, but it would be an underrated feat that would likely be diminished by the #haters on account of the Buckeyes taking the shortest road to that stage in 80 years.

That short road isn't an advantage. It's the complete 180-degree opposite.

Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Bucks. Beat Northwestern. Take care of each other.