Sup, 2014 graduates? Feel that empty pit in your stomach on this abject Monday? That's the real world coming for its tax, on which you're hella delinquent. Have you bums even found a job yet?
Come to think of it, I would be the worst best commencement speaker of all time. Somebody at Ohio State needs to get me in front of the microphone for fall graduation. I'd do nothing but drop the hard pills on those unemployed slobs.
- ICYMI: Four-star guard Austin Grandstaff became the third member of the 2015 basketball recruiting class over the weekend.
IRON BOWL BETTER THAN THE GAME SAYS BAMA COACH. After declaring the Big Ten "a really good conference" last week at the Pigskin Roundball Spectacular, Nick Saban had to throw some red meat to SEC hardliners.
“Everybody in Alabama, I’m talking about everybody, not some people, is either for Auburn or Alabama,” Saban said. “And there’s no in-between and there’s no love lost and there’s no kindness passed. So it’s not the same kind of deal. I just can’t explain it. It’s not the same kind of deal.
“I have a lot of respect for (Michigan-Ohio State), it’s a great game ... Woody wouldn’t let the coaches buy gas in Michigan when we recruited there. You couldn’t turn in a receipt from Michigan. He didn’t want to help the economy.
“So I kind of get it. But that game is rough, Alabama-Auburn.”
Here's the thing, Nick: Nobody outside of Alabama actually cares about Alabama. Without national title implications, the Iron Bowl to America is little more than a backwoods dust-up over creek fishing rights or whatever hillbillies are squabbling about these days.
Even if Ohio State and Michigan are both trash (rare), The Game still carries a national audience because degrees from Ohio State (and to a lesser extent, Michigan) carry world-wide value.
Of course, this is all without mentioning the greatest lesson from this excerpt: LONG LIVE WAYNE WOODROW HAYES AND DEATH TO THE MICHIGAN ECONOMY.
SPEAKING OF ALABAMA... Roll Damn Tide!
So, this guy from the Dega infield last night...of course he plays tight end at Alabama http://t.co/eFNtYDAFc8 pic.twitter.com/s6XPzwspLN
— Bunkie Perkins (@BunkiePerkins) May 4, 2014
Satire is dead. It was crushed to death by a jorts-wearing, Miller Lite-guzzling Alabama tight end.
ASHLAND TO NFL? I, like most Americans, love an underdog story. Here's a potential one for this week's NFL Draft, via the Cleveland Plain Dealer:
COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Pro days can be a circus, college football players put on stage for NFL talent evaluators, and the bearded 300-pound man working out alone at the end of Ohio State’s Pro Day in early March was a curiosity.
[...]
“[Jamie Meder is] probably the strongest kid I’ve ever been around,” Ashland University defensive coordinator Tim Rose, a college coach for 35 years, including for 29 years at nine different FBS schools, would say later. “And he’s really more athletic than you think he is. He’s not super fast and he runs a little bit high, but he’s really a big dancing bear kind of guy.”
One who can bench press 515 pounds. And one, who after four years dominating the Great Lakes Intercollegiate Athletic Conference in Division II college football, could wind up getting picked in the NFL Draft this week.
Good on the land-grant Buckeyes letting some lesser-known, in-state prospects get some shine, but a 515 lbs bench press should be illegal. That's Hodor-like strength.
You know what would happen if I tried to bench 515 pounds? I'd die.
TEXAS IS SO SHOOK BY A&M. What's up with Texas' obsession with A&M, a non-conference foe whom the Horns no long play? Here's their new defensive coordinator:
Manziel is a top 10 pick by the scouts. I wish him the best. He played backyard ball for 3 years. Now he will have to learn how to be a Qb
— Vance Bedford (@CoachBedfordUT) May 5, 2014
Was Vance Bedford watching Texas A&M games for three years while DC at Louisville?
This is also a great example of coach double-speak. "He's a top ten pick... by the idiot know-nothing scouts. I wish him the best... but he's about to be out of his depth."
It's a bizarre tweet more becoming of a teenage girl "complimenting" her BFF.
BTW, Browns fans... there are still a few seats left on the Manziel-to-the-Browns swag-wagon. As its conductor I promise — even if the experiment crashes in flames and re-ignites the Cuyahoga River — it will be more entertaining than watching a wide-eyed Brandon Weeden try to throw a football through the chest of a linebacker.
WELL DONE, LADIES. The women's lacrosse team made the NCAA tournament for the first time in 11 years. Here's the team getting the good news courtesy of Jeff Svoboda of Buckeye Sports Bulletin:
They'll face Louisville on Friday in Evanston.
THOSE WMDs. Not the best idea to confront thieves who stole your phone... For those wondering, here's why the Marion Police Department needs a weapon of war... Watch a war vet reunited with his canine... NASCAR fans answer 'What is Dogecoin?' at Talladega... Absolute PowerPoint... Ronaldo is the best soccer player in the world right now, right?... How an alleged school massacre plot was thwarted... At the gym when you realize you forgot your headphones...
