November 28th, 2015 is finally upon us.
It's like Christmas except Santa is a creepy dude in a turtleneck is trying to pick your backdoor and burgle your family's cherished heirlooms. (*cocks 12-gauge* And Turtleneck Santa usually dies trying.)
Minstrels will try telling you, "This is it for Ohio State!" or "The disarrayed Buckeyes are staring down a barrel of a shotgun!"
Buy those carnival memes if you want, but here's what I know:
The last time Michigan bested a non-interim Ohio State coach was 2003, which was over a decade ago. Urban Meyer, a three-time national champion, is 3-0 vs. Michigan. He is 48-4 at Ohio State.
And I'm supposed to bite my nails?
You ever been so sure about something, no matter how it look, you still grinding to your beliefs- it's called FAITH. #shhhh
— Mike Thomas (@Cantguardmike) November 27, 2015
Make no mistake: Michigan is legit, and the probability of a loss is as high as I've forecasted in my three years of "covering" the team we all love to know. But if Ohio State loses a knife fight—damn, arteries are fickle— then I'm kosher with the world and ready to die.
Are Michigan fans ready to die? Or do they just think they are? Because I just watched my house burn down on national television last week. I would welcome death's sweet release at this point.
No, Michigan fans can't say the same. They just pulled themselves out of the gutter last week and still consider Chipotle to be a revelation.
*drives a bump key into the base of an illicit FourLoko* Michigan fans think 20% of Ohio State fans were raised by wolves, but what they don't know is they lowballed it by a clean 38%.
So when they say "Ohio State is the underdog, actually."
*long, dead-eyed puff on a Newport*
I say, "Bet."
This week's NSFW ANTI-WORK #BANGERS are Fargo flavored (h/t: Remy).
- Meyer to Harbaugh during pregame: "Is this what you want?"
- Lou Solverson: Don dada.
- Mike Milligan: Pretty unfriendly.
This week's ANTI-MIGOS #BANGERS:
TODAY'S SLATE. As much as I'm looking forward to Jim Harbaugh writhing late in the fourth quarter, I'm not looking forward to climbing on the Penn State bandwagon shortly thereafter. (It had to be Penn State, didn't it?)
As for the rest of today's slate, who cares? I don't but somebody might:
| TIME (ET) | GAME | FAVORITE | TELEVISION |
|---|---|---|---|
| 12:00 | No. 1 CLEMSON at SOUTH CAROLINA | CLEM (-18½) | ESPN |
| 2:30 | COLORADO at No. 23 UTAH | UTES (-16½) | PAC12 |
| 3:30 | No. 16 NORTHWESTERN vs ILLINOIS | NU (-3½) | ESPNU |
| 3:30 | PENN STATE at No. 5 MICHIGAN STATE | MSU (-10½) | ESPN |
| 3:30 | No. 14 NORTH CAROLINA at NORTH CAROLINA STATE | UNC (-4½) | ABC |
| 3:30 | No. 2 ALABAMA at AUBURN | BAMA (-15) | CBS |
| 3:30 | No. 23 UCLA at USC | USC (-3) | ABC |
| 7:15 | No. 18 MISSISSIPPI at No. 21 MISSISSIPPI STATE | MISS (-1) | ESPN2 |
| 7:30 | No. 13 FLORIDA STATE at No. 12 FLORIDA | FSU (-2½) | ESPN |
| 7:30 | No. 6 NOTRE DAME at No. 9 STANFORD | STAN (-3½) | FOX |
| 8:00 | No. 3 OKLAHOMA at No. 11 OKLAHOMA STATE | OU (-7) | ABC |
My (5-6) underdog money line pick of the week: Penn State, baby! Let's hear that Nittany Lion roar!!!!! (Let no man doubt I welcome death.)
THE WOLVERINE DOSSIER. Missed the 11W drip due to Thanksgiving? Here's everything you need to get your mind right for the 112th rendition of The Game:
- Preview
- Trailer
- Mailbag
- Roundtable, featuring Eric, Michael, and a janitor.
- Film Study: Michigan's defense – Michigan offense
- How Michigan earned its 9-2 record.
- Ramzy's homemade Fireball recipe.
THIS #BANGER WAS DESTINED. Do you know Urban Meyer and Jim Harbaugh were born in the same hospital, months apart? Of course. But do you know what the mainstream media won't tell you?
From bcsn.tv's stupendous dive into the familiar factoid:
Born within seven months of each other at the old Mercy Hospital on Madison Avenue, James Joseph Harbaugh was brought into the world on Dec. 23, 1963, by a Michigan alum who wagered his Buckeye-loving buddy $100 on The Game every year, while Urban Frank Meyer III followed on July 10, 1964. The boy named after a pope was delivered by a devout Catholic who cheered for Notre Dame but raised a family of Ohio State fans.
Meyer then spent his first months straddling the rivalry’s bitterly contested border — 16 miles from the Harbaugh home on Louisiana Avenue in Perrysburg.
“Ever in your life, could you imagine?” said Jack Harbaugh, the father of Jim and John, the coach of the Baltimore Ravens.
Here's another historical fact: Ohio straight punked Michigan for Toledo. You know why? Because Michigan caught a glimpse of our wolfblood, and there's no Michigan trump for Ohioan wolfblood.
(It's why they have to recruit it to stay relevant.)
#PERTINENTHEISENBERG. Somehow, despite not beating anybody, people think Michigan is knocking and Ohio State is in danger?
No.
Ohio State is the danger.
Prophecy: 20-10.
THOSE WMDs. Chinese New Year compared to Thanksgiving... Royal Service detonates German WW2 sea mine... American Horror Story: The Cecil Hotel... Beware, your puppy could die too young... How the Mason jar got hip... Betty Crocker's absurd atomic-age creations.
