Anybody reading today's Skull Session should consult a doctor. It's one thing to read an Ohio State morning roundup typed by a functionally literate degenerate during the offseason.
It's another echelon of depravity to do so on one of the most sacred Saturdays on the American laborer's calendar.
I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course. Anybody reading today is welcome to break bread at my BBQ in Piqua.
Programming:
- Men's lacrosse faces Towson, a team it beat 6-3 in March, in the NCAA Tournament semifinals at noon ET on ESPN2. The Bucks earn their first championship game trip in program history with a win.
ICYMI:
- Bill Belichick spoke to the lacrosse team ahead of the big game.
- Ohio State's hip social media presence is missing one thing: a nerd.
- Way-too-early Big Ten basketball power rankings (spoiler: Ohio State is not No. 1).
- Help put a life-size statue of Woody Hayes in his hometown of Newcomerstown, Ohio.
Word of the Day: Brickbat.
GOD BLESS AMERICA. America isn't a perfect country, but I'll be damned if it ain't the best humanity has to offer. One such example, out of the thousands I could pull from the haunted ruinations of my brain, is it's possible in America to earn a living by wagering on college athletics.
Sure, only a few chosen souls make a career of it while others stay content throwing disposable income at a bookie they see once a week in a suburban Home Depot parking lot, but it's possible. Warren G. Harding, the 29th and greatest President of the United States of America, proved that in these very halls a few fabled years back.
Perhaps an aspiring soldier of fortune is reading right now, pondering putting their child's college fund on the big game this fall. Well, here are the newest lines on opening weekend's biggest games.
From sportingnews.com:
Thursday, Aug. 31
Ohio State (-21) vs. Indiana
Minnesota (-31) vs. Buffalo
Friday, Sept. 1
Washington (-33) vs. Rutgers
Navy (-21) vs. Florida Atlantic
Wisconsin (-37) vs. Utah State
Colorado vs. Colorado State @ Denver (OFF)
Saturday, Sept. 2nd
Michigan State (-18) vs. Bowling Green
Iowa (-11.5) vs. Wyoming
Clemson (-40) vs. Kent State
Penn Sate (-39) vs. Akron
Louisville (-27) vs. Purdue @ Indianapolis
Nebraska (-19) vs. Arkansas State
Northwestern (-28) vs. Nevada
Illinois (-11) vs. Ball State
Oklahoma (-48) vs. Texas-El Paso
North Carolina (-14) vs. California
Southern California (-19) vs. Western Michigan
Louisiana State (-8) vs. Brigham Young @ Houston
Texas (-23) vs. Maryland
Notre Dame (-11) vs. Temple
Georgia (-11) vs. Appalachian State
Michigan (-3) vs. Florida @ Arlington, Texas
Alabama (-4) vs. Florida State
Sunday, Sept. 3
Virginia Tech (-5) vs. West Virginia @ Landover, Maryland
UCLA (-4) vs. Texas A&M
Monday, Sept. 4
Tennessee (-3) vs. Georgia Tech @ Atlanta
Ohio State (-21) at Indiana seems like free money.
You know what seems easier? Wyoming (+11) at Iowa. In fact, that seems so easy it might be a law enforcement honeypot. Compunction, however, won't stop me from pawning my car to risk it all on the Cowboys this fall.
I also have no idea what to think about the Alabama–Florida State game, other than it'll be a blessing to see one of them start 0-1.
BEANIE: GIVE YOUR ORGANS TO STRANGERS. Former Ohio State running back Beanie Wells is here to tell you why you should become an organ donor:
Disclaimer: I too checked organ donation box at the BMV. Though I ritualistically rub anti-aging cream into my ham-fist of a face, I've always said feel free to throw my corpse in a field for the bacteria and ravens to feast upon or whatever science seems most academically prescient.
PAYBACKS A NIT. Last year Ohio State fell short in the fourth quarter against Penn State in Happy Valley.
Though the Buckeyes did enough to win, Penn State made enough plays to muster a win.
It wasn't a cosmically unfair result either, despite State College's shitty accommodations forcing Ohio State into walk-throughs in a hotel parking lot a week after an overtime night game victory in Madison, Wisconsin.
The Big Ten hit the Nittany Lions with the other shoe this year, though. They host Michigan the week prior to coming to Columbus and play in East Lansing the week after that.
It's an unprecedented stretch for the Nittany Lions.
From statecollege.com:
But the true test of the Nittany Lions this season begins in 149 days, on the evening of Saturday, Oct. 21.
That's when they begin a three-game, 15-day stretch hosting Michigan in a Beaver Stadium Whiteout, followed by consecutive contests on the road against Ohio State and Michigan State.
[...]
That trio of games is the first time since Penn State began playing football in the Big Ten in 1993 that it will face the Wolverines, the Buckeyes and the Spartans in back-to-back-to-back contests. In any order.
The 2017 season will mark the 20th time that Penn State has faced all three of the aforementioned Big Ten foes in one season. Twice they've run the table, going 3-0 vs. the three teams in a season — in 1994 and 2008. Six other times they've gone 2-1 in round-robin play. That includes 2016, when James Franklin's Nittany Lions, demoralized by injuries and a fast 28-0 Wolverine start, lost 49-10 to Michigan, but rebounded three weeks later to beat second-ranked Ohio State, 24-21, then capped the regular season with a 45-12 victory over Michigan State.
Good, I say. Let PSU eat cake. (Don't forget, Ohio State comes off an open week before hosting Penn State.)
Last year, James Franklin and the gang snuck up on the Big Ten (outside of Michigan, who obliterated them). Sober Johnny Manziel threw enough Hail Marys to win the Big Ten title by definition, if not by spoils of campaign. Credit where it's due.
But they're not sneaking up on anybody this year, which made it a different type of hunt even before factoring in playing their three big divisional foes in three weeks.
At least they get to host Michigan before going on the road to Ohio State. The Buckeyes didn't have that luxury last year. PSU should be thankful it doesn't have to do walk-throughs at a Wendy's in Newark.
CHIP BACK (KINDA). Chip Kelly finally found a job for the 2017 NFL season. The notoriously taciturn coach will join ESPN to give insight into college football as well as the league he flamed out of.
From the Associated Press:
Former Oregon coach Chip Kelly is joining ESPN as a studio analyst next season.
ESPN announced Friday it has signed Kelly to a multiyear deal.
Kelly will primarily be part of Saturday pregame, halftime and wrap-up shows on ESPN2. He'll also provide NFL analysis on Sundays during SportsCenter.
Kelly should just be thankful he didn't roll with the Browns when he broke into the league. His psychological profile wouldn't be able to manage a Kinko's right now.
OLD COLUMBUS TOWN. Perhaps you're not lucky enough to live in or travel to Columbus this Memorial Day weekend. Perhaps you're not lucky enough to have been inside its graceful confines in over two decades.
If so, well, a lot has changed. Here's an aerial tour:
The evidence is clear: Columbus > New York City.
THOSE WMDs. Why the classic English pub won't make it in America... Kafka in Vegas... For Army Infantry's 1st women, heavy packs and the weight of history... Don't use "flack" when catching flak... Instagram for 18th century tourists... Man steals 800 pairs of Nikes.
