Well, it’s finally here—the worst day of the year: August 1st. I keep hoping God will decide to get rid of this month; but, every year, it still comes around. It seems 2011 has brought us another year of false hope.
I have some questions for God. Not saying I’m worthy of making it into Heaven or anything—but I’ve always liked to imagine, when my eternal judgment comes down, I’d at least have a little one-on-one time with the Big Fella. The first question I have for him is, “What was your point with mosquitos?” I’ve always hated insects, but mosquitos--seriously? What was the point behind blood sucking insects? What kind of diabolical monster thinks up something like that? (I also have beef with Noah for letting them onto his Arc).
My second question: “What’s up with dust?” I’ve always hated the word “particle”, so by extension, I’ve always hated dust. I can never get rid of it, no matter what I try. I’ll clean off my desk and try to live off that sense of accomplishment for the next week. The problem comes when, by the end of that week, dust is already back on my desk. YOU CAN’T BEAT DUST.
But, it all comes down to August. How sorry is August? Sure, I’m down with summer… but August just seems to drag it into the ground. When it’s 103 degrees on August 13th, I almost find myself saying ridiculous things like, “Man, I’m ready for winter.” THAT’S WRONG. Also, what’s going on in the sports? (Answer: nothing meaningful).
So, when it’s boiled down to its essence… is there any point behind August? Wouldn't it be a lot more awesome if today were September 1st? I’ve been brooding on August for years now, and I have yet to come up with one argument for its existence. (Except for the fact that today is Coolio's birthday). Hopefully I get at least one of these questions answered before I am thrown into the fiery sea of eternal damnation.
I’m not stupid, though. I know you all came here for internet links to weekend news, not to read my ramblings. So, without further ado...
Terrelle Pryor was in the NCAA’s scope from the beginning. The Pinkertons were long interested in Pryor’s old, rich, and white “mentor”, Ted Sarniak; whom they had been concerned had become too buddy-buddy with Tressel, and thus, a "booster". Or something like that. (Ohio State was cleared of any wrong-doing. Although, with news coming last week that Pryor received "inducements" from other schools during his recruitment, I'm supposed to believe he chose to play at the University of Ohio State for free? Because that seems like something Terrelle Pryor would do?).
John Clayton (and his fabled ponytail) said there would be no supplemental draft since Terrelle Pryor was ineligible to enter it. But then an NFL spokesman said, “There hasn’t been a decision made.” “Pryor” soon took to his Twitter account to let his 60,00 followers know he’d let them know what the deal was when he heard from a “real source.”
“Pryor” then went back to tweeting inspirational quotes and all was right with the world again.
@JNEW55 IS DEAD. LONG LIVE @JNEW55
College football oracle Phil Steele says Ohio State will win their division. Now, I’m still sure who all is in the “Leaders” division with Ohio State, but I tend to agree with him. Sure, people who know more about college football than me seem to think we’ll be lucky to win six games this year, but I disagree.
This is still Ohio State, and as such, I think if Ohio State can get past that night game in Lincoln in October... well, I’d like the Buckeyes’ chances from there on out.
The Big 10 season could start earlier, to avoid a week where Penn State/Temple and Iowa/Ball State are the main tilts. Big 10 games could start as early as Week 1, according to Jim Delaney. I suppose I could get behind something like this.
It’d also be cool if it meant opening up an out-of-conference slot later in the season; which, I’d love to see Alabama or anybody south of the Mason-Dixon line come knocking at the Horseshoe in October or November.
Luke Fickell must “fix” the Buckeyes, because apparently they’re broken? And Joe Paterno is still old. This is what happens when AP writers have to produce something and don’t feel like actually thinking. You get an article talking about Luke Fickel re-arranging furniture in an office, a reminder about all Ohio State coaches getting fired, and a bunch of filler quotes from Fickell.
Of course, it doesn’t just apply to AP writers. DID YOU KNOW JOE PATERNO IS OLD? Well, if you didn’t, then here’s an article that will help you understand just how Paterno is, this time, through the very original scope of looking at some things/people that Joe Paterno has outlasted.
Notre Dame is coming for chains this year! And they mean it this time! Teddy Greenstein writes something about how this year is going to be different for Notre Dame because the administration has finally put in place “big time resources”.
What are some of the “big time resources” you ask? Apparently it’s a freshman pass rusher who scored a 17 on his ACT. Besides that, they have practice fields and facilities which cost tens of millions of dollars. Apparently the coaching staff and the administration are finally on the same page.
I guess this all explains why Brian Kelly basically killed a man and is still gainfully employed. I look forward to the flames from their annual crash lighting the midwest night skys by the end of October.
Clay Travis successfully riled up a bunch of hillbillies with internet connections. Budding internet troll Clay Travis has launched a new website. To drive some traffic, took a page out of Sports by Brooks' playbook, and wrote some “investigative” pieces about a team which has one of the most rabid, illogical followings in the country. Alabama fans, again, not known for their wits, walked right into the trap: sending barely intelligible death threats. It's about as glorious as one would expect.
The results may have been quite predictable, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t funny.
@JNEW55 is retiring from Twitter by Tuesday. There’s an old Cherokee saying, “Heavy is the head that carries the Ohio State football player Twitter Comedy Crown.” First, Duron Carter’s dynasty crumbled due to the fact he couldn’t even pretend like he cared about school. But, from the ashes of the fallen Carter dynasty, rose @JNew55.
I’ve been following him on Twitter for a little over a year now, and I have developed quite the soft spot for him. In an era where athletes are as good at gushing clichés as they are playing their respective sport because they don’t feel like listening to the media blow up some off-the-cuff remark, it’s refreshing when an athlete isn't afraid to keep it real. And let me just say... nobody kept it realer than Jonathan Newsome. To this day, I’m enraged that he never got to hold a microphone at a Big 10 media day. (And, with his impending transfer to Ball State, it appears my dreams will never be fulfilled).
He appears to sense he needs to change some things, so he’s forsaking his Twitter account. Will this stop me from ordering my #55 jersey and putting @JNew55 on the back? No, no it won’t.
I’m also saddened because there is no clear cut heir to Newsome’s vacant throne. Who is the funniest OSU footballer now? I have no clue.
I do know that I thoroughly enjoyed, and will dearly miss, the @JNew55 era. I wish him nothing but the best at Ball State and look forward to him being tapped by the Browns as a 3rd round steal in the 2013 draft.
FANCY THINGS COLLECTED FROM THE DEEPEST POOLS OF THE INTRANATZ: Have you ever wondered why we remember some dreams and don't remember others? - Nas ft. Jadakiss & Ludacris; "Made You Look" (Remix) (Live) (NSFW) - Accidental Chinese hipsters - You might think this is a parody about the luxury of Norweigan maximum secuturities, but you'd be wrong - We're all rather mortal - You do not--I repeat NOT--want to fall in love with the wrong person in Afghanistan - You may have (like me) been planning your suicide around the fact Soulja Boy recently bought a 55 million dollar jet. Thankfully, we do not live in a world where Soulja Boy owns a 55 million dollar jet. /exhale - Watch this guy read Shakespeare with 25 different impressions - A goldfish in New Zealand survived 134 days without food. (Insert a Brady Hoke obesity joke here).
