Friday Skull Session

Ahhh, good ol' Penn State; their inferiority complex is stifling. Have you seen their cute hashtag on Twitter (#OhioStateHateWeek)? To me, Penn State is just another game on the docket. Other than the Clown Rodeo to the South of Canada, the Big Ten has devolved into a faceless mass of mediocrity. 

The one joy I do get out of beating Penn State goes back to the fall of 2008. Terrelle Pryor fumbled away an opportunity to win the game, and Ohio State lost. (I haven't been back to the Shoe since.)

Afterwards, some PSUer was staying at my friend's apartment complex on 12th next to UDF. He was drunk and obviously a lot more excited to beat Ohio State than we would have been to beat Penn State (the true mark of a "rivalry" game). He kept blaring their wretched fight song (complete with the Nittany Lion roar) through a megahorn all night. 

I get enjoyment knowing he's out there, watching his team get rolled up like a Cuban cigar and smoked in a similar fashion. I hope Ohio State makes that guy cry this weekend.

And I think they will. Sure, I haven't foreseen an Ohio State defeat since I don't know when — I predicted the 2011 team to go 11-1, after all — but this has all the makings for a beat-down. (It ends with Urban Meyer throwing the headset down, ripping off his shirt, holding his hands out and screaming at the mass of recruits in attendance, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?" and the recruits falling to their knees and pledging their fealty. Over-signing? You haven't seen anything yet.)

KING URBAN MEYER CALL-IN SHOW. We've had fans call Urban "brother," in the past, but this week gave us two new titles of address: "Baby" and "A Hot, Sexy Blonde You're On a Date With That You Don't Want To End." That's just a little creepy to me. So let me throw some bleach in my eyes and get to the finer points of the show:

And here, for good measure, is a tidbit that will be sure to spur some debate in the bowels of Ohio State fandom:

PSU WILL BE THROWING. Penn State, despite having a true freshman starting quarterback, will undoubtedly be throwing the football as soon as they step on the sacred soil of Columbus, Ohio. How do we know? Because Bill O'Brien mentioned yesterday he placed a "pitch count" of sorts on Christian Hackenberg this week in practice.

I think Bradley Roby adds to the lore of Ohio State pick-sixes against Penn State. Urban said they need his best game of the season, and Roby seems like a guy who responds well to being challenged (which is why Urban called him out on his radio show). 

The defense doesn't need to be dominant, especially when the offense is clicking and operating with ruthless efficiency. I assume Penn State will put up some points, but ain't no 18-year-old (MY GOD THIS BOY WAS BORN IN 1995!!!!!!!) coming into the Horseshoe and knocking off the Buckeyes. And nobody better have the gall to throw baby-faced Matt Barkley in my face. (Hackenberg doesn't have the weapons of that USC team, and I think this Ohio State team is better.) It ain't the same at all. (Seriously though, how in the HELL did Ohio State lose that game to USC? Ugh. Where did I put that bleach? I need a drink.) 

WE ARE PROPERTY VANDALS! [Psh, PSU thinks it can party.]

IDIOTS ATTEMPT TO DO A CRIME. Kids these days have a hilarious habit of committing crimes while being recorded. Take the picture to the left. Notice the two working on the hood of what appears to be a news van? Look how happy those two are, completely unawares of the gentlemen behind them capturing their exposed faces with his camera.

I assume these PSUers got caught because 1) no news station is taking a loss of that magnitude, especially with the perpetrators caught on tape, and 2) remember how West Virginia students rioted after beating the 11th best team in the country at the time? WELP:

Kevin James Wheeler, a WVU student from White Hall, Md., was arrested Wednesday evening.  Police have also obtained a warrant for William Schwab, 18, a University of South Carolina student from Sparks Glencoe, Md. Both are charged with felony destruction of property.

The vehicle damage estimate exceeded $6,000.

University Police investigators spent more than 100 hours working this case, following up on more than 40 tips that eventually led to the warrants being obtained, Chief Bob Roberts said. Roberts noted that without student, alumni and public input, the department would not have been able to solve this case.

William Schwab was probably back at South Carolina bragging to his friends about getting rowdy in Morgantown. SORRY SCHWAB, justice can tap that ass all the way from West Virginia. Hopefully you two boys (read: your parents) have a good lawyer on retainer, because you're about to be put to the sword as an example.

VODKA SAM: I AM NOT WORTHY OF THE TITLE. Since we're talking about one of my favorite things about college football: idiots drinking too much and doing idiot things, remember Vodka Sam? The Iowa senior who blew a .341 after trying to run onto the field at Kinnick Stadium and promptly earned internet legend status? Well, after basking in the fame in the immediate aftermath of her arrest, it appears she's seen the error in her ways (because, you know, she has to get a job after College Candyland ends after next semester):

"I did not come to college to drink and be Vodka Sam." No, you just signed up for Twitter under that alias, flaunted your alcohol use all over social media, and it crescendoed with your arrest... which you then flaunted and bragged about on Twitter. YOU WERE AWESOME, SAM. 

This meek, whining girl talking about how she was "devastated" when she saw the first report about her bad-ass behavior? I'm not buying it. More importantly, I don't want to buy it. 

RIP Vodka Sam; we hardly knew ye.

PAGING A HACK IN THE BAY AREA. Remember when Al Saracevic, in the wake of Ohio State's 52-34 romp in Berkely, typed the worst article of the weekend? Here's a quick reminder:

Columbus is home to a famous football team that happens to be affiliated with a university. Berkeley is home to a famous university that also fields a football team.

Well, yesterday the graduation rates came out. You'll NEVER guess who has the worst graduation rate in the country. TAKE IT AWAY, FACTS:

And Ohio State's? 

BECAUSE IT'S FRIDAY. Heeeey ladieeeees:

THOSE WMDs. The FDA is cracking down on hydrocodone... Wolf-trapping school in Alaska... Snoop Dogg's son (top recruit) slugged an opponent... FREE THE CREAM CHEESE: Division I to consider meal regulation changes... The incredible shrinking plane seat... Former Oregon/five-star TE Colt Lyerla arrested with cocaine... Something called the Miami Beach Bowl is starting in 2014... How cleaning boots at Swindon turned Andros Townsend into England's new hero... LaVar Arrington: Fan of Ramzy... A helmet that inflates at the first sign of trauma... The government whacked Silk Road, but people are selling Lean on Instagram... The most dangerous cities in America... Collection of vintage ads from the Roaring Twenties... How a Texas philanthropist helped fund the hunt for Joseph Kony... Whole stole JFK's brain?...