Kevin Warren had one job when he was hired: secure the bag.
And he did. Under his tenure, the Big Ten landed a seven billion-with-a-capital-B television contract, securing the conference's status as Old Uncle Pennybags for the foreseeable future. Add in a few legendary west coast programs (barring something crazy), and all of a sudden the Big Ten is a truly national brand with a presence in the three largest media markets in the country.
There was a bunch of other not as fun stuff that happened over the last three years that we're actively trying to shove into a dingy locker in the bottom of our subconscious, but now that's he's shuffled off to the greener pastures of the, uh, Chicago Bears, history will probably look back at the Kevin Warren tenure in a mostly positive light.
But that was the past! Quit living in the past! The Big Ten still needs a commissioner, and unlike the SEC, the Big Ten luckily doesn't observe primogeniture when selecting a new person to lead. It does, however, post job listings, so today let's take a look and see how you (or me, or an exceptionally intelligent whale or porpoise) might stack up.
The job posting is literally over 3,500 words long, but I will also add that approximately 2,000 of those words are strings of unintelligible corporate-speak mixed in with nearly endless self-congratulation about how amazing the Big Ten is. The phrase "first mover" shows up a lot, for example, along with the insistence that pretty much every other collegiate conference sucks ass in comparison to the Big Ten.
Which as a general rule I'm fine with saying out loud, repeatedly, but it's hard to tell if this is a flex from the Big Ten, a splash of cold water on the face of anyone seriously thinking of going for this job, insecurity about competition from the SEC, or all of the above.
It's part of a long section detailing how great the Big Ten is, but I also think it gets to the heart of what makes the job of the commissioner so hard: you're being asked to carefully balance the athletic, academic, and financial reputation of an entity that is constantly changing how much it thinks each should weigh.
I noted this only because I'm totally fine with the Big Ten being ruled over by a cantankerous old buzzard who hates this world and everything in it, as long as it means we come out on top in the coming Superconference Wars.
Is anybody honestly "universally" respected for the right reasons? The people I know who command universal respect do so because they're crazy, unpredictable assholes that you want to stay several feet away from at all times. I get that the Big Ten isn't going to hire Mussolini (probably not in line with B1G values), but I also think that anyone who believes themselves to have the near-perfect respect of their colleagues isn't going to think too hard about why that's the case.
The juxtaposition between "a holistic thought-leader who nurtures" and "PRESERVE BIG TEN PRIMACY" absolutely kicks ass. Like Rambo holding a kitten, who he hired to train interns on how to file performance evaluations.
Similarly, "protect & defend", which I imagine is done with a large claymore or katana.
This I doubt. "All" major decisions? Or "some" (or "a couple" or "maybe one, we'll think about it")? It's interesting, because I wonder if this would be considered a requirement of the job pre-COVID and pre-NIL.
Both have shaped college sports in profound ways, but one of the most significant was that they led to the voice of the student-athlete having far more of an impact than it had before. But it wasn't like the Big Ten graciously turned over the mic to players; in both situations they had to publicly address the very real concerns and thoughts from student-athletes because of outside pressure. If the Big Ten is serious about including this as part of the job requirements, then players and their families need to keep up the pressure on the conference to prove it.
I like this one because while we're all thinking about football here, I kind of hope some random fencing judge gets called into the Big Ten commissioners' office to get yelled at, just to keep non-revenue sports refs on their toes.
Why? Who says no to the commissioner equivalent of Lloyd Christmas? Who turns up their nose at Ernest P. Worrell? Not I!
HELL YEAH, I'M IN!
When it comes down to it, the job of Big Ten commissioner is really only suited to someone who has either done a slightly different version of that job for several decades or has taken out a band of javelinas with a length of barbed wire wrapped around their fists. There are a very small handful of people who meet the insane requirements of the job and actually want to do it, so finding that person isn't going to be easy.
It's going to be Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith.
No, it's not going to be Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith, per the Dispatch (and Gene Smith):
Standing courtside before Thursday night’s men’s basketball game between Wisconsin and the Buckeyes, Smith was discussing a few other topics when he had one final point to share.
“I’m not interested in that commissioner’s job,” Smith told The Dispatch. “You can throw that in (your article) too. People keep asking me that and I’m like, ‘Why?’ ”
Well, because you're imminently qualified, duh. But if not him, then... well, probably some media guy, honestly. Or an internal promotion. Or you, or me, or a talking dog.
Might as well find out by applying.
