KEVIN WILSON PROMISES "NICE" OFFENSE
Today new Ohio State offensive coordinator Kevin Wilson promised reporters at an impromptu press conference held in his driveway at 5:40 AM (he was taking out the trash before the garbage men arrived) that in his first year as offensive maestro, the Buckeyes would score exactly 69 points in all 12 regular season games, saying "It's going to be 'nice.'" He added that if the offense failed to live up to this bold promise, he would tender his resignation and furthermore consume on live television a pie made from cool whip, listerine, and cloves.
ZACH SMITH OFFERS 2018 "6*" ATHLETE PETER PARKER
In a move that surprised most analysts, Ohio State wide receivers coach Zach Smith announced on Wednesday that Ohio State were offering a scholarship to Peter Parker, AKA Spider-Man, the costumed superhero of Marvel Comics fame.
"Great hands, good awareness with his Spidey senses, unparalleled separation speed, and great vertical ability. One of those elusive 6 star talents." Coach Smith said of the almost certainly fictional character. When asked whether he realized that Spider-Man was not a real person, Zach Smith replied: "Well obviously there's a 99% chance he's fictional, but these are the sorts of things you have to consider, like 'Does he have an attitude problem?' or 'Would his parents prefer that he remain in state?' or 'Is he under investigation for war crimes?' or 'Is he just a fictional creation of Stan Lee and Steve Ditko?' All of these things you have to consider, but you know, everyone thought we were crazy when we started chasing 5 star talents from Texas, and look how that turned out."
UPDATE: As of this morning, the Alabama Crimson Tide have also offered Peter Parker. Whether it is a committable offer has yet to be ascertained.
EZEKIEL ELLIOTT LIKES TURTLES--SCANDAL UPDATE
Ezekiel Elliott (21), Dallas Cowboys running back, former Ohio State star, and known iconoclast, was spotted on Monday playing in a Dallas-area park with a pond turtle which he'd rescued from the talons of an osprey. The event has kicked off a firestorm of criticism for the already scandal-ridden player, with the American Turtle and Tortoise and Sometimes Terrapins Too Separatist Society (ATTSTTSS) and the Concerned Parent's Council for the Prevention of the Proliferation of Salmonella (CPCPPS) both condemning the Dallas star for interfering with the natural life cycle of the turtle and for creating a risk of spreading salmonella respectively. Neither Elliott nor the turtle have been available for comment.
JIM HARBAUGH ANNOUNCES UM CAMP ON THE MOON
In an audacious move no doubt aimed to thumb a nose at the NCAA for their new rules against satellite camps, Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh announced that in a joint effort with billionaire and private space travel enthusiast Richard Branson, the University of Michigan football team will take part in a seven day camp on the surface of the moon. As of now the plan is still in its early stages, and whether it can be realized before the new rules come into effect seem doubtful, but Coach Harbaugh seems undaunted, just as he is undaunted by the lack of oxygen on the moon.
"Look," he said to reporters, "Bo Schembechler beat Ohio State 22-0 in 1976 after undergoing open heart surgery, and what's more he did it while submerged in a tank of liquified argon. These kids of mine look up to stories like that, and if Coach didn't need oxygen, neither will they. Because winners find a way."
