CARDALE JONES SAVES FAMILY FROM RABID BADGERS
Earlier this week in the forests of northern Wisconsin, a family of four were enjoying a quiet afternoon when suddenly they were plunged into a scene from hell.
“The floor just opened,” Sally Hester said. “The floor split open and out came these crazy froth-mouthed badgers.”
Sally and her husband Tom tried to protect their two daughters from the half-dozen rabid badgers, but they were soon overpowered and restrained in silk cocoons spun from the foam of the badgers’ mouths. As the badgers prepared to take the family below ground to their subterranean hive, the front door broke open.
“It was incredible,” Tom said, “all of a sudden, this giant of a man kicks down the door and says he’s here to kill badgers.”
The new arrival was none other than former Ohio State and current Los Angeles Chargers backup quarterback Cardale Jones. Seeing their ultimate enemy, the badgers forgot all about the Hester family and swarmed upon Jones. But Jones was too powerful for them, showcasing the same incredible anti-Badger powers that allowed him to eviscerate the Wisconsin Badgers’ defense in the 2014 59-0 rout. Soon the badgers were a bloody mess of entrails, and Jones descended into the caverns below to seek out and destroy their queen. Badger queens can grow to the size of a small house, can lay several thousand badger eggs in a single hour, and are known to spit acid if threatened.
According to Sally and Tom Hester, they and their children could only cower in fear as the sounds of a titanic subterranean battle shook the foundations of the house. Soon—battle damaged and weary, but alive and whole—Cardale Jones appeared from the hole in the ground, dragging behind him the pickup truck sized head of the badger queen.
According to Jones, who we only managed to reach by walky talky as there’s no cell service in the badger caves beneath Los Angeles, badgers are humanity’s oldest foe and most dangerous enemy. Badgers are known to outnumber humans twenty to one, and were it not for heroes like Cardale Jones throughout the ages, they would have overwhelmed us centuries ago. When we asked Jones what the average person can do about the badger menace, he said, “Be vigilant, be prepared, be brave.”
AP: OHIO STATE TO DROP TO 23 IN AP POLL AFTER WIN OVER RUTGERS
The various voters in the Associated Press Top 25 college football poll have released a joint statement outlining their agreement that upon defeating Rutgers by the expected score of 69-0, the Ohio State Buckeyes (currently ranked 11th in the nation) will drop to #23.
And the only distressing thing is that none of this is actually fake news.
DWAYNE HASKINS ACTUALLY HALF CANNON
Confirming the suspicions of many Ohio State football fans impressed by his arm strength, Ohio State backup quarterback Dwayne Haskins revealed today to the press that he is in fact only half human, as his mother, Tamara Haskins, is in fact not human but the result of a secret government program to create a smart-cannon capable of destroying enemy tanks and aircraft while masquerading in human shape. It is believed this program was the sister program of the ass-chewing robots such as Nick Saban, reported earlier in the year.
Unfortunately for the government but fortunately for Dwayne Haskins, the cannon became sentient and found love. Tamara passed on her ability to sling fifty pounds of lead, steel, and depleted uranium through the core of a Russian tank at 970 meters per second onto her son, who displayed similar skills in his touchdown pass to CJ Saunders last Saturday against UNLV.
Asked whether this new revelation would damage the young quarterback’s future at Ohio State, head coach Urban Meyer had this to say: “No, absolutely not. I don’t care if he’s part cannon or half-spider (most likely a nod to Devin Smith) or half bear and a quarter steamroller (this no doubt a reference to Joey and Nick Bosa), if he can play, he can play.”
