The Situational: Bulls on Parade

The Buckeyes rang in that year by beating the hell out of Notre Dame and exited it on the same field getting obliterated by Clemson. Hey, did you know your beloved football program's entire bowl history - as of you reading this - begins and ends with shutout losses?

That shouldn't sting too badly unless you were physically around to experience the shock of a favored Buckeye team getting housed 28-0 by Cal, in which case - yeah, no one feels sorry for you, old timer. We're sure it sucked at the time, especially when you first learned of the result three days later in the News Herald which used to smudge your fingers with real American ink and smell like democracy. 

Ohio State running a play it forgot it had throughout 2015.

But you got to see Chic Harley play. You sat in Ohio Field. You sneaked bootlegger whiskey into Out R Inn during Prohibition and drunk-ordered applesauce and butter pickle sandwiches at PJ's. You lived a vivid, enriching history whereas your contemporaries today post selfies from high angles to minimize their jowls on Instagram.

Ohio State lost its first Rose Bowl. So what. A few days later Warren G. Harding was inaugurated. Eight months later they started building the Horseshoe. Ohio still won the month. Nature's equilibrium remains undefeated.

As for the rest of us, we're not permitted to feel joy or pain for football games that happened before we were conceived. That privilege belongs exclusively to Michigan fans. The Buckeyes' bowl game resumé, until it takes the field in Arlington, begins and ends with shutout losses.

The good news heading into the Cotton Bowl is Ohio State has never lost a football game inside the state of Texas. The better news is Southern Cal's defense hasn't been shutting out anybody. It's going to take an act of unprecedented negligence for this postseason scoring drought to continue. This bookend falls off the shelf on Friday.

Urban Meyer's postseason tenure in Columbus currently begins and ends with losses to Clemson. He now gets Southern Cal, the Pac 12's best - and begins the 2018 season against Oregon State, which hasn't beaten an FBS team in so long the Cleveland Browns have a more recent win in that span.

Bookends on bookends on bookends. Let's get Situational!

THE RESUMÉ

Zeke being Zeke on the stage after 2016's best Fiesta Bowl | © Mark J. Rebilas-USAT Sports

When the Buckeyes face the Trojans on Friday they'll be playing to keep their Cotton Bowl and State of Texas record perfect. They'll also be attempting to get Ohio State's bowl resumé back to .500.

If you're looking at the postseason record against Pac-10/12 champions, it's at +1 currently thanks in part to the Oregon Ducks, whose entire history (0-9 all-time! 0-3 in bowl games) has been dedicated to losing football games to Ohio State. There's another home-and-home coming 2020-21; hooray for two more wins.

Beating Southern Cal would lift the Buckeyes back to where they were after they dispatched America's favorite and least-favorite college football team, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish:

Chop up this slice of football history however you like. It could be argued that mediocre Buckeye teams (hooray, we're bowl eligible!) were bad; therefore their record in pedestrian bowl games is also bad. That makes sense. 

However, those of us old enough to remember the John Cooper era can recall how close his powerhouse teams came to immortality before inevitably losing everything to Michigan, only to find themselves in Orlando instead of Pasadena, thereby producing no better than a B effort. Bs typically produce Ls. Either argument passes the red face test.

Ohio State's goal is the College Football Playoff. It wasn't trying to get back to Jerryworld; it was attempting to get Atlanta. But this team is good, as is the opponent. The analog postseason game is pictured above, when the most talented Buckeye roster - possibly since 1969 - was relegated to a New Year's Six destination where it made boring work of the Irish. It's also the reason Ohio State is 1-1 in games in which a Bosa was ejected.

This team is capable of turning in that kind of performance, ejections notwithstanding. Bs don't have to produce Ls. It's best to play it safe and try for an A.

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

The Rose Bowl. Granddaddy of them all. via

We're barreling toward 2018, which means it's champagne season in America. Many years ago the French flocked to Northern California to take over the American sparkling wine market. They planted their pinot and chardonnay grapes accordingly, then abruptly discovered Americans drink the most bubbly 1) at weddings, preferably not on fall Saturdays 2) on New Year's, and 3) yup that's just about it, with the odd mimosa. We don't pound it on the regular like the French do. Market research: It's worth the effort!

You can thank that arrogance in part for all the great Pinots and Chardonnays that are produced today from the west coast, as that's not what many of those grapes were originally intended to produce. And it's bubbly season, so let's make a bubbly cocktail.

The Rose Bowl adds a dry, fizzy kick to the bourbon you enjoy year-round and is worth the (minimal) effort, especially during the final week of December when time sort of stops and nobody ever knows the day or time. Is it Monday? 8am? Oh sorry, it's Wednesday at 2pm. This week every day and hour feels the same. We just need The Rose Bowl to get here and set us straight.

The champagne or sparkling wine you use for this should be brut. Accordingly, you'll want a "dry" bourbon like Knob Creek or Rock Town. You could choose to make a sweet version of this with sweet bubbly and sweet bourbon, but I won't encourage that here. 

Two shots of bourbon, three shakes of bitters, a squeeze of a lemon and whatever ice you want go into your shaker. Shake it for less than ten seconds and strain into the glass of your choosing. Drop one or two reputable ice cubes into the glass and then top off with the sparkling wine of your choosing.

We typically go slumming in America with our sparkling wine, drowning it in orange juice and feelings on Sunday mornings filled with regret when we aren't at weddings or toasting the new year. Be better than André or whatever swill is on sale for $5. Try Gloria Ferrer, which is 'Merican and also not expensive. Your lack of a hangover will appreciate it.

Since it's the Buckeyes and Trojans in Arlington, this year The Rose Bowl will pair just fine with The Cotton Bowl. And soon we'll all know what time it is.

THE PLAYOFF

I retired from all fantasy sports five years ago and haven't missed any of it - none of the trash talking, none of the anguish - and especially none of hoping Tampa Bay's backup tight end doesn't catch a pass in the 4th quarter of a game nobody should care about.

That's what pushed me into retirement. I don't need more stupid things to care about - I have plenty already. Now I enjoy watching football games holistically without isolating dudes to pull for or push against. Retirement is good. It doesn't mean I didn't have glory days.

Ten years ago I won my high stakes fantasy league championship because of something that didn't happen. Video related:

I had sneaked into the playoff as the 3rd seed, barely above the 4th - we were equally mediocre. The top seed was undefeated and offered to buy us all out in lieu of going through with the final two playoff weeks. We all refused. Pride, or something.

After slipping by the 2nd seed to make the title game, the top seed again offered to buy me out - give me a parting gift - instead of following through with the humiliation of losing to, arguably, the best fantasy roster ever constructed. Quitters never win, so I refused. On Christmas Day, hanging on to a two-point lead, he had Bryant Westbrook barreling toward the end zone to win the championship. And then he didn't.

It was a cleansing, personal reverse-Earnest Byner moment for me. The good guys won and the bad guys lost, because Westbrook loved me without ever knowing me, kind of like a remorseful deadbeat dad holy spirit. I ran outside and did snow angels in my snowless front yard. None of my neighbors called the police. They were probably watching that Eagles-Cowboys game and understood.

On behalf of the now-defunct Loudmouth Soup, Merry Christmas Mr. Westbrook.

Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Bucks. Beat the Trojans.