I'll admit, I had my moments of weakness after Ohio State lost to Oral Roberts.
"Why," I asked myself as I angrily stewed on my couch in the immediate aftermath of the Buckeyes totally beefing it in the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, "would anyone subject themselves to this stupid, stupid game made of up bad charge calls and players jacking up threes from halfcourt down by two?"
My abstention from collegiate men's basketball lasted as long as it took another nationally known and highly-ranked brand to get ethered by a double-digit seed, which this year was approximately four hours as the North Texas Mean Green beat 4th-seeded Purdue by nine that night. And then the next day Abilene Christian took out Texas, and I was 100% back in, baby! Plus about fifty other upsets, and suddenly I wasn't (as) angry about Ohio State being upended by a team from a school literally named Oral Roberts University.
Here is the problem, however. You might've forgotten during the pandemic-induced hiatus from March Madness that there is a certain element of fool's gold to first weekend upsets. We all get extremely excited about basketball-loving nuns and gawky dudes with bad facial hair for about a week, and then by the time the Elite Eight is sussed out it's just a bunch of boring teams ranked no lower than "lost in the ACC championship game." Absent Ohio State, the last few rounds turns into a slog where we just pray no one too irritating wins the national championship.
Well screw that. Not this year, dammit!
With the tournament picking back up again tomorrow, I've crafted a short guide on how to direct your psychic energies in a way that satisfies both your desire for upsets and your desire to protect the integrity of your ego as an Ohio State fan. This year, both of those concerns happen to coincide.
The Absolutely Do Not Root-Fors
Michigan, obviously. As the last surviving Big Ten team in the tournament, the Wolverines have looked like literally the only squad in the conference worthy of their seeding, a fact that's as annoying as it is depressing for Buckeye fans. Conference pride is extremely stupid and I hope they lose by 50 against Florida State.
And really, the East side of the bracket is riddled with teams unworthy of your support. Alabama shouldn't get to enjoy two sports, that's against the law. Mick Cronin abandoned the west side of Cincy to ply his trade at the bluest of blue bloods in UCLA, but the Crimson Tide will probably figure out that they just need to say his name backwards three times and he'll disappear in a puff of smoke.
Also Houston, Baylor, and Arkansas. I have no specific beef with these teams but they're too highly seeded. They gotta go.
The Only Root-Fors In Extreme Emergencies
Gonzaga appears here only because Mark Few has never won the whole thing (or even been to multiple Final Fours) and it's admittedly kind of badass that he built a basketball powerhouse out of chewed gum and busted K'Nex pieces. I wouldn't be thrilled if another one seed won the whole shebang, but it'd go down a little easier if Few got to cut down the nets at the end.
The 'Zags share a category with other teams that are somewhat lower ranked but also too well-known for me to be actually pleased with their success. Florida State, Syracuse, Villanova, Oregon, and USC are all... there. Syracuse is an 11 seed and they can still go to hell. There's nothing fun about a men's basketball team from an athletic department built with gold and rubies taking down a men's basketball team from an athletic department ran from a port-a-john in a Speedway parking lot.
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The Fallback Plan Root-Fors
This is where I slot our noble opponents from Oral Roberts; the lowest seeded team still left in the tournament, they've got two pretty fun players and like 18 other guys who stand around and watch. They're 11 point dogs to the Razorbacks but shit, Florida was favored over them by nine and the fighting Orals pulled that one out. In that sentence I committed two violations of the ORU honor code, so maybe that's a result of the residual spite I'm feeling and means I'm only willing to root for them to get to the Final Four and that's it.
Oregon State is a 12-seed that's trying their best. I can respect that, especially after pulling off the sole 12-5 upset of the tournament, thus continuing the fine tradition of making the 12-5 upset A Thing.
The Definitely Root-Fors
This leaves us with Creighton and Loyola Chicago; two mid-majors with cool mascots (Bluejays and a nun who likes basketball) and a refreshing lack of pedigree that embodies what March Madness is supposed to be about. Should Loyola win it all, they'd match 1985 Villanova as the lowest seed to win the tournament, and should Creighton win it all, they'd be the first Creighton to win the tournament.
Both of these teams are also acceptable from an Ohio State fan's standpoint: Loyola Chicago has never beaten the Buckeyes, and while the Bluejays did manage to take a win from OSU back in November of 2004, you're an absolute liar if you say that you remember any of that.
I dread the inevitable slide back to the mean during later rounds of March Madness. We lean really hard on "madness" being the operative word during the last few weeks of the men's basketball season, but too often that word fails to deliver the true chaos that we all desire.
As Ohio State fans, denied tournament glory by some random team from Tulsa and an inability to defend basically anyone, it is imperative that we cast our lot with whichever team will produce the most salt nationally to satisfy our spite. Here's hoping.
