Live Transcript:
Ben Snoddlepuss, Michigan Athletic Department Director of Information: Welcome everyone to our weekly press conference. Coming off our dominant victory over our in-state rivals, I’m sure you all have positive and affirming questions and comments for Coach Harbaugh. That said, let’s start the conference. Preston, please ask the first question.
Reporter:Preston Prissington, Ann Arbor Times. Coach Harbaugh, last week in East Lansing —
Coach Harbaugh:Absolutely Preston, absolutely. It was a great victory. One for the ages. One foretold from old. The signs and portents have long since … well, speaking of signs, we didn’t steal them. Nope, never. Well, I mean, sure we stole them, but we stole them legally. We. Play. By. The. Rules. Oh yeah, and if it turns out we broke the rules, everyone does it. All the time. And, the guy that stole them, well, Coach Stallions is a great Michigan man … a great Michigan man.
Reporter: Stansfield Pretencious, Big Blue Nation. Speaking of Connor Stallions, can you tell us what us a little about his role with the team?
Coach Harbaugh: Sure! Coach Stallions is not associated in anyway with the coaching staff. He’s a lone wolf. Seriously, do you think I’d pay someone on my staff only $55,000? Really? Nope. Coach Stallions is a recruiting analyst. That’s it.
Reporter:Rupert Fartsdontstink, Michigan Law Review. Coach, can you describe his job duties as recruiting analyst?
Coach Harbaugh: Let me read it from the job posting that he applied for two years ago: Quote-unquote, a recruiting analysts must decipher the signs and signals of all opposing teams; be present on the sideline for all varsity football games, within a five-foot radius of either (a) the head coach or (b) the offensive coordinator or the defensive coordinator, depending upon which team has possession of the football. Also, it kinda goes without saying that he has primary play-calling responsibilities.
Reporter: Anderson Garfield Trustfied, Vita Victors Viche. Coach, there are allegations that Connor Stallions staged an ongoing operation of clandestinely stealing the signs of opposing teams. Apparently, there’s evidence tying him to tickets purchased at future opponents’ stadiums, as well as other circumstantial evidence. What do you say about that?
Coach Harbaugh: I say this Andy: Sign stealing is legal. LEGAL!! And Connor is great at sign stealing. I have no knowledge whatsoever how he figures all that stuff out. I mean, heck, I got my degree from Michigan, so I certainly can’t be expected to understand that stuff. And, honestly, for Connor to be able to figure these signs out in the first five or ten minutes of our games was quite amazing.
Reporter: Hendricks Legaconi, MGoblog. Coach, didn’t you have some questions when this, pardon me, relative unknown recruiting analyst single-handedly deciphered the signs of all your opponents in mere moments? Didn’t you ask him how he figured this stuff out?
Coach Harbaugh: No way! I just assumed that Connor was a cross between Rain Man, Albert Einstein, Bill Parcells, and Alan from the Hangover. And, not coincidentally, that will be my sole and exclusive defense to the NCAA that I knew Coach Stallions was cheating. Next question.
Reporter: Henry Fancee, The Ann Arbor Gazette: I guess what I don’t understand, Coach, is if you didn’t know that Connor Stallions was cheating ahead of time, and you only learned that he was great at stealing signs when he was on the sidelines standing directly beside your offensive and defensive coordinators, how did he get to stand on the sidelines by your coordinators in the first place? It seems like a chicken and egg thing: if you didn’t know he was cheating, you wouldn’t have put him on the sidelines in the first place; and, if that’s the case, you never would’ve seen him steal signs at all. So, I guess I’m just a bit confused and —
Ben Snoddlepuss, Michigan Athletics Director of Information: No further questions! And let’s beat those Boilermakers!
MOD-EDIT I wiped your dupe and in the future put topics like this under College Sports.
