Folks, Eleven Warriors activated a contingency plan Thursday and called me into media day from the Miami Valley bullpen. Last time that happened, Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter.
My enemies say I can't roleplay a believable sports reporter. Little do they know, I already dress in rags, the mic on my cellphone works, and I learned how to ask a question at an early age.
Detailed reports will flow in the coming days (maybe), but here are rapid fire takes about the pulse of the local team:
- CampusParc: How dare you ticketed me $62. Your words hold no power here. I'll see y'all in Hell.
- Dennis Dodd wearing a "Maui made" beanie was worth the price of admission (free).
- Urban Meyer is loose. That's my read key with the local team. (-3) sounds like a law enforcement honeypot.
- You could beat somebody to death with either of Billy Price's pronators.
- Malik Hooker, Tyquan Lewis, and Marshon Lattimore will be cashing checks this time next year (props).
- Greg Schiano has quips. He'll be back next year (with a hefty pay raise).
- Say what you want about "Touchdown" Tim Beck, but he's a friend of the Session. It's easy to say "the play calling sucks," but it's easier to see why he relates to recruits without strings of 100 emojis.
- I want to drink 32 beers with Greg Schiano and "Touchdown" Tim Beck.
- If Price quit football tomorrow, he could take any media job he wanted.
- Follow the don dadas of the beat: Tim May and Jim Naveau. Tell them the creepy guy wearing a hand-me-down North Face covered in cat hair sent you.
- Hey Randy, stop tweeting at players' girlfriends about their bae's bad performances. That's like, not cool. At all.
- Ohio State: Step your sub game. That was the opposite of "hench."
THE LOCAL DUAL THREAT. A lot will be made between now and Dec. 31 about the dual threat posed by Deshaun Watson.
If you don't know what a dual threat is, it's insider speak for a guy who switches between runs and throws.
And Watson is so good he might be sentenced to a gulag in Cleveland. But don't sleep on the local brew.
J.T. Barrett isn't as fluid an athlete as Watson, but he's just as effective on the ground.
From sbnation.com:
They have a ton of different looks to throw against opponents on offense.
With two wide receivers on the line of scrimmage to the same side of the formation, the inside of those WRs is ineligible to catch a pass by rule. So, you pretty much know that when Ohio State is in this set, the Buckeyes are going to run the ball. However, Oklahoma couldn’t figure this formation out at all, and it powered the Buckeyes’ way to multiple scoring drives.
This play is a QB counter run designed to look like an RPO (run/pass option) to hold the OU defenders and set up the Ohio State blockers on the weak side. The Sooners are rolled over to the strength of Ohio State’s formation (on the Buckeyes’ right), and the Sooners can’t get numbers to the point of attack.
As always, it’s fun to take note of the Buckeyes’ wide receiver blocking. On this play, 5’10, 195-pound Dontre Wilson (No. 2) pancaked Oklahoma’s 6’0, 217-pound safety, Ahmad Thomas (No. 13).
What I respect about Barrett's rushing is it's equivalent to a 45-year-old with chronic knee pain working angles on the glass against players young enough to be his mediocre sons... and just as effective, too.
Read that article in full.
MICHIGAN SCORES RARE WIN. Despite Urban Meyer and Kerry Coombs driving through a snowstorm, five-star 2017 Cass Tech wide receiver Donovan Peoples-Jones did what everyone predicted Thursday night when he committed to Michigan.
It could mean the end of a plug into Michigan's muscle.
From cleveland.com:
"The recruiting process at Michigan has changed drastically and it's making every other program change. The things that Jim Harbaugh is doing, he's making you up your game. He ain't just sending no damn letter out just hoping the kid open it up no more."
Wilcher has noticed -- and appreciates -- the differences in Michigan's program since Harbaugh took over, which has the Wolverines as dangerous as ever in the recruiting game in the Detroit area.
[...]
"The (recruiting) trend has been changed by Michigan," Wilcher said. "You don't just go to a school anymore more and attend a game. Coaches come now, they sit here, they eat with you, the coaches come out and they talk to you. The kids go up to the school and they plan activities for them. Recruiting has changed, period."
I respect anyone who wants to aid the local efforts, false flag as they may be.
Analysts can shovel dirt on that pipeline, too, but let's revisit this in December 2017 if Mike Weber and Damon Webb are national champions and Michigan is still bragging about third-place "BCS" bids as "things to come."
SAM HUBBARD MIGHT BE TWO PEOPLE. "Student-athlete" is a clever ruse to avoid taxes, but that doesn't take away from the players who study as hard as they play football.
Sam Hubbard is one such player.. but upon inspection, he might be two.
From dispatch.com:
He was the second-leading tackler among the defensive linemen and had seven tackles for loss (including three sacks), and made a key trip of Michigan’s Jabrill Peppers in the Buckeyes’ double-overtime win.
Off the field, he happens to have picked a rugged major that demands an acumen not just for the written word but for numbers. Mix that with the demands of playing for a major college football team — such as workouts, practices, meetings and video study — and he said disciplined time management is key. Last Friday was an example.
“I had exams for my two hardest classes,” Hubbard said. “One was for finance and one was for analytics, one in the morning, the other in the afternoon.”
Word around the WHAC (that only an insider like me can deliver): Hubbard and Curtis Samuel should be back next year.
'SOTA SHIT STORM. Jerry Kill is gone and the Dilly Bar Don was like 40 years ago.
Sweep Minnesota into Canada's lawn like some dead leaves and be done with it.
From espn.com:
Minnesota football players announced Thursday night that they were boycotting all football activities in the wake of the suspensions this week of 10 teammates.
While the school did not specify the reasons for the suspensions in Tuesday's announcement, Ray Buford Sr., the father of defensive back Ray Buford Jr., one of the suspended players, said Wednesday the suspensions resulted from an investigation conducted by the university's Office of Equal Opportunity and Affirmative Action into an alleged sexual assault, which was separate from earlier investigations into the alleged assault in the early hours of Sept. 3.
[...]
In a statement read by senior wide receiver Drew Wolitarsky, the players said: "The boycott will remain effective until due process is followed and suspensions for all 10 players involved are lifted."
One of those 10 players suspended is the son of Antoine Winfield, who spoke for his large athletic son Thursday night:
Antoine Winfield, father of suspended player speaking: If President Kaler and AD Coyle keep their jobs, my son will leave. #Gophers pic.twitter.com/9PEQlgZnEb
— Mike Hendrickson (@MHendrickson18) December 16, 2016
Let's all take a moment to reflect upon our blessing of supporting a team that isn't the Minnesota Golden Gophers.
GUCCI, NOOOOOOOOOO. Before y'all light the match that burns me at the stake, just remember they paid me to report the news, not to make it.
From our nation's paper of record, tmz.com:
Alabama fans, you are officially on easy street until 2026 ... that's according to Gucci Mane, who says the Crimson Tide football team will go undefeated for THE NEXT TEN YEARS.
We got Guwop (an Alabama fan) out in NYC and asked what the team is gonna do without offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin ... who's leaving to take the head gig at Florida Atlantic.
Apparently they're gonna FLOURISH ... because Gucci says the team won't be losing again for the better part of a DECADE.
Gucci Mane: No longer a friend of the $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay.
DISCLAIMER: If you're asking, "What's the $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay?" throw your laptop out the window and disavow all knowledge of knowing me. The feds are coming.
THOSE WMDs. Video: Bill Wash diagrams Super Bowl 23-winning pass play against the Bengals... Anecdote for economic malaise: College towns... The most popular baby names in each state, 1910-2014... A stonehenge, and a mystery, in the Amazon... The old west's Muslim tamale king... The Bouvier Affair... Ballad of Rocky Rontal.
