It's high time roller coasters and "amusement parks" be thrown where they belong: a pyre rivaled by only the Sun.
My last trip to an amusement park was a few years ago to Cedar Point with Kyle, back when he was fun to hang out with and we were friends. It culminated with me throwing up violently inside the park and along Route 4 because I get terrible motion sickness and I'm milquetoast as hell.
Last week, I accepted my partner's invite for a fun-filled weekend at King's Island. I hate Cincinnati, and if it's possible, I may hate roller coasters more. Why did I accept her invite, thinking things would be any different? Because I'm a masochist who enjoys learning his lessons in the most drawn-out, unnecessarily painful ways possible.
Long story short: I got owned on my first ride of the day, a torture device appropriately christened "Flight of Fear." One minute, I'm standing in line telling myself "Well look at all these happy little kids eager to enjoy this ride. It really can't be that bad." The next, I'm in a child's go-kart getting cork-screwed around in utter darkness.
It took all of about 10 seconds before my anxiety crushed my insides and almost expelled my stomach's contents onto my partner's lap (which may have been the fate she deserved). It took three hours to recover from being nauseated by that death-trap.
The only amusement I got from King's Island, other than confirming every single stereotype I hold about the Cincinnati metro-area, is people who "won" the carnie games being sentenced to dragging around a fifteen-foot stuffed gorilla for the rest of the day. Other than that, there is nothing amusing about glorified carnival rides, $12 funnel cakes, standing in line an hour and a half for a three minute ride or crippling anxiety/motion sickness.
President Obama, TEAR DOWN THESE ROLLER COASTERS!!!!! #demolishamericasrollercoast
ZERO-HOUR IS UPON THE OREGON DUCKS. With Charles "Chip" Kelly having already pulled the ripcord on his 32.5 million dollar escape parachute, the NCAA will be dropping the hammer on his former program today at 11 AM. This day has been so long in coming, it took me a few moments of reflection to remember Oregon drew the NCAA's ire over improprieties regarding Lache Seastrunk and Texas-based football trainer Willie Lyles. (Never mind programs like USC, Cal, LSU, Baylor, Texas, Tennessee and Texas A&M all having connections to Lyles.)
People will undoubtedly be clamoring for heads to roll in Eugene, even given the NCAA's investigational ineptitude. Yet, Chip Kelly is in Philadelphia. Lache Seastrunk is playing football in Waco, Texas (punishment enough?). And Willie Lyles is so radioactive I doubt any NCAA program is willing to touch his services with a ten-foot poll. Who at Oregon is left to punish?
Well, as folks in these quarters know all-too-well, it's the program that's left holding the bag, which sucks because it involves kids being punished for crimes they didn't commit. How isn't this system utterly broken? Outside of the Penn State case, in which the NCAA had to bang on them, why are big-time colleges still kowtowing to the NCAA and its arbitrary investigational ways? RIDDLE ME THAT.
MATTA THE TALENT HORDER. Yesterday, Chris detailed the NBA-pipeline Thad Matta has cobbled together during his tenure in Columbus. According to Scout's Top 100 Men's Basketball Recruits list, that trend is likely to continue as Thad won't be lacking talent.
5-Star 6'7" SF Keita Bates-Diop is the highest-ranked Buckeye pledge, coming in at 20. One spot below him is 5-Star 6'4" SG D'Angelo Russell. Pickerington's 4-Star 6'5" SF Jae'Sean Tate came in at 52. Now, if the Thad can lock down the nation's #1 prospect, center Jahlil Okafor, who has Ohio State in his final eight, the Buckeyes could really be in business.
VRABEL'S HANDS. Mike Vrabel, who is already the Ohio State coach I would least like to come across in a darkened alley, is apparently even crazier than we've been led to believe. Just how did Vrabel come to develop the "violent" hands and vice-like grip that helped him win three Super Bowls? From ESPN's Buckeye Nation:
“We worked with a couple guys in New England that were big on martial arts, big with playing with violent hands,” Vrabel said. “We developed that idea that we’d go over there and just pound our hands against a brick wall and try to make them as strong as we possibly could.
“I told my guys, it’s the same reason Bruce Lee used to kick a tree.”
... I used to think I wasn't a professional athlete because there's no room in pro sports for doughy 6'1" white guys, but apparently not being a bona fide psychopath was also a deciding factor. I've punched things like cabinets in fits of rage over video games, but brick walls? Yeesh.
**enter the montage of Adolphus Washington repeatedly punching brick walls over the summer while Brady Hoke lounges in his air conditioned office sucking on a donut slurpee**
THE B1G'S SLEEPING DRAGON... NORTHWESTERN? Laugh now, cry later, haterz. While Ohio State (and to a much, much lesser extent Michigan) have carried the last shreds of dignity the Big Ten has as a football conference during this millennium, the B1G has desperately needed a third team to step up and carry some of that slack. With Penn State sanctioned to Hell and Bert Beliema fleeing Wisconsin, it appears that team could be Northwestern. Before snickering, perhaps check out this Ben Glicksman article in Sports Illustrated:
This isn't a renaissance under a first-year frontman ... Much like the situation surrounding David Shaw and Stanford, it's simpler: Northwestern has been to a bowl game each of the last five seasons and has a coach who, by all accounts, plans to stay with the program for a very long time. That, plus academics, makes for a compelling recruiting package.
"They can see it," said Fitzgerald. "It's not hypothetical, it's not someday, it's not a hashtag, it's not anything like that. It's just real. And that's what we try to do is just be brutally honest to be able to show people exactly what they're gonna get."
Ohio State will be playing under the lights in Northwestern's Homecoming game when the Buckeyes travel to Evanston on October 5th. The Wildcats have a bye-week the week prior. Ohio State fans may be inclined to overlook Northwestern, but they do so at their own peril. The Wildcats will undoubtedly be ready for Ohio State, and what better way to capitalize on their recruiting momentum than slay the B1G's kingpin at their Homecoming game?
THOSE WMDs. Cincinnati is spending $86 million to add 5,000 seats to Nippert Stadium... The cruel tragedy of the Iron Shiek... Treating colds with heroin: the weird science of North Korea... When the ball hits the net, and it fills you with dread, THAT'S BENTEKE... Ozone's Jim Davidson's amazing time-lapse of trip to every B1G stadium... Brian Hartline could have a big year... Former Michigan running back Denard Robinson officially listed as "OW" (offensive weapon) on Jaguars' roster... Six of the top ten "Smartest Cities" are B1G college towns... Cool photo from the ground-breaking of Dodger Stadium in 1959... Tony Soprano and Uncle Junior have an emotional moment... LOLWUT...
