The gameday experience as we know it is dead.
For years I have been vociferously insisting on the need for Ohio State football to have a significantly better gameday experience than what is currently offered.
The football is great, as is the band and several other elements of the experience. I have no qualms with that. My larger issue is the hot, uncomfortable, and generally kind of gross experience that goes with the fun stuff. Waiting in line for the privilege to use a port-a-john while eating a fifty dollar pretzel in a dank concourse is not exactly my idea of fun, and over the course of a four-ish hour experience, that's something that is going to happen to you at least once.
So that's bad. And there are ideas that can ameliorate the experience, like actual seats instead of square footage on a metal bleacher or a toilet instead of a toilet that you have to wait in line for 15 minutes for. I'm not asking for a night at the Palms Casino, I'm just hoping for some quality of life improvements that makes paying hundreds of dollars to watch sports a little more palpable.
But, as usual, my brain zigged when it should've zagged.
Oklahoma State announced Thursday in a statement it is partnering with StadiumDrop starting in 2020 “to bring in-seat delivery, contactless payment and pick up options to Boone Pickens Stadium, Gallagher-Iba Arena and O’Brate Stadium.”
Ignore the pandemic buzzwords for a second.
“There is a lot to like about StadiumDrop, but what stands out is that it creates additional distancing opportunities with in-seat delivery service and the ability to create a rapid pick-up option at concession stands. [...]” OSU deputy athletic director Chad Weiberg said.
I said ignore the pandemic buzzwords!
This is what the real future (of the gameday experience) looks like: additional burdens on underpaid service workers that offers little tangible benefit (to actually attending a game in person). It's Door Dash for people at sporting events, and if you want you can watch a demonstration of this on StadiumDrop's Facebook page, but note that this was done with approximately five people around and not, like, tens of thousands.
And anyway, the metagame of planning out your expeditions from your seat is half of the fun of seeing any event live. My personal move is to wait until there's juuuust about five minutes left at halftime for bathroom breaks, because people have poor time management skills but are also usually prescient enough to know that, meaning that everyone makes a dash back to their seats around then. Which is when I swoop in and have a nice empty bathroom to use. Yes, it's torn to shit. It's not a perfect plan.
Missing the 3rd goal in a "hat trick" because you were craving a brat...not cool! We can make sure that never happens again!
— StadiumDrop.com (@Stadium_Drop) November 8, 2019
Damn! If only I had ignored my gut, looked up what a "hat trick" is, then applied that knowledge to my current situation, and used an app to have a guy being paid cat food "plus tips" to awkwardly hand me food across the fifteen people sitting in between me and him, and everyone watches as I stuff my face full of food.
Yeah, like that.
Wait, we already have this? People who bring you food to your seat? Huh.
The larger point here is that when things finally, mercifully get back to something resembling "normal," nothing will actually be that; there will be a whole cavalcade lined up to bring whatever goofy-ass idea they can to clutter the fan experience with as many apps and paradigm shifts as humanly possible to create an unending assault on your senses and sanity.
That's... okay, I guess, as long as you have the option to opt out of whatever venture capitalist-backed tech bro idea that's being endorsed by the local oil baron of your choice.
But you may not have that option! And as leagues and teams become increasingly desperate to get people back in the stands, it's also going to become increasingly likely that you'll see the likes of
- Drones air-dropping sodas in the laps of unsuspecting patrons
- A giant foam hand you're required to wear which broadcasts a Tim Horton's ad for all to hear unless you wave it around at ten-second intervals
- A tracking device that alerts a concierge when you've left your seat and they're required to clean it before you get back or else a series of shocks will be delivered to their collar
- A mist machine, but rubbing alcohol instead of water
- Paid shade, at 35 bucks per half
We have to be smart about what the sporting experience is going to look like in the future, because the next few years will be both a time of great vulnerability and opportunity. It's incredibly important that as fans, we don't allow our eagerness to get back into stadiums to override the importance of a reasonable experience that isn't facilitated by overworked and underpaid staff. We, and they, deserve to be able to cheer on Ohio State football at our own pace, but that means comfortable, not crazy.
