MARK MAY GIVES OHIO STATE “37% CHANCE” OF BEATING BYE WEEK

Unemployed former ESPN correspondent Mark May made an announcement from the motel room where he’s currently subsisting by preparing grilled cheese sandwiches using a toaster (with predictably messy results). In the announcement, among other predictions such as Alabama not giving up a single point for the rest of the season and the Pitt Panthers traveling back in time to undo their losses to Penn State and Oklahoma State, Mark May also gave his take on Ohio State’s upcoming tilt with “Bye Week.”

Citing Bye Week’s strong performances against powerhouses such as Clemson and Alabama, as well as its consistently high-end recruiting classes, while also conceding that Ohio State’s offense “might be something approaching what some charitable person might call ‘the real deal,’” May gave Ohio State a 37% chance of emerging without a second loss on their record.

May had to cut his speech short in the midst of discussing Washington’s playoff hopes when some melted cheese caused a short circuit and set his toaster on fire.

ZACH SMITH: “AND I HELPED”

Following Ohio State’s thrilling 56-14 blowout of Nebraska on Saturday, Ohio State’s offensive braintrust of Kevin Wilson, Ryan Day, and Zach Smith took questions about their offense’s performance, JT Barrett’s continuous improvement as a downfield passer, and new schemes the Buckeyes have used in recent games. While offensive coordinator Kevin Wilson was breaking down variations of his much favorited mesh play concept, Zach Smith—who had been silent the entire conference—spoke up, saying “And I helped!”

Kevin Wilson proceeded to excuse the interruption, before taking from his pocket a shiny fidget spinner which he presented to Coach Smith. Smith then amused himself with the fidget spinner for several minutes while Wilson and Day continued the conference, until such time as he became bored with it, and took out his phone so that he could play Candy Crush.

“JT BARRETT COULDN’T HIT BROAD SIDE OF A BARN” –LOCAL MAN WHOSE BARN WAS RECENTLY DESTROYED BY A BARRAGE OF FOOTBALL SIZED OBJECTS

A local Columbus man named Sy Loykins, well known for his comically stereotypical hayseed persona, right down to his predilection for chewing on a shoot of wheat while spitting tobacco and lounging on the seat of a tractor, made a bold challenge to Ohio State starting quarterback JT Barrett when he declared to anyone who would listen that JT Barrett couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn. This is despite the fact that Loykins’ very own barn was recently destroyed by a fusillade of mysterious objects roughly the size of American footballs. Ballistics experts have tracked the path of the projectiles to the Woody Hayes Athletic Center, and have estimated that the balls must have been traveling at or near the sound barrier.