Something Called Thrillist Published The Internet's Worst State Rankings

I'm not one to get fired up about internet rankings... unless those internet rankings disrespect basic facts about the universe in which we live. In that case... somebody better grab my (fictional) shotgun and torch.

Something called Thrillist — yeah, I'd never heard of it either — looked at states' "contributions to America" meaning, "inventions, food/drink, somewhat productive famous people, unique physical beauty, etc."

The results are straight trash. Here's why:

1. Michigan

Far too much of the Michigan narrative centers on Detroit and its many issues. The Motor City’s become a scrappily rising underdog you can’t help but root for, but Michigan’s greatest strengths lie in the state as a whole. Did you know Michigan has more coastline than any state other than Alaska? Did you know it has such an embarrassment of beer riches that you can easily hit Bell’s and Founders in the same afternoon? Did you know the UP is so remote and uniquely beautiful that it almost feels like a secret 51st state where they inexplicably love British meat pies? Did you know most residents are more than happy to apologize for Kid Rock? If you answered yes to at least three of these than you already understand Michigan’s charms. If you answered no to these questions, you should listen to the dulcet tones of Michigan tourism pitchman Tim Allen and get yourself there immediately. 

"Too much of the narrative focuses on the rotting of the state's biggest 'metropolis'. It has a lot of coasts which can't be visited half of the year. It, like the rest of America, has a lot of breweries. Its people somehow aren't ashamed of Kid Rock, who makes music for people addicted to Oxycontin. Listen to cocaine-trafficker Tim Allen, and get to Michigan immediately!"

If that's the best state in America, then I can say without a doubt that the great American experiment has imploded right in front of our eyes. And that's all before mentioning this:

48. Ohio

Getting LeBron back only further cemented its position as the Florida of the North.

They're not even trying to hold their disdain for the great state of Ohio, but that's okay, because Ohio will preserve longer than some millennial hipster internet rag.

Still, I'd be a bad sport if I didn't congratulate Michigan on its first championship of significance since Bill Clinton's second term. They might hang a banner for this one.