Life lessons are everywhere, if you look for them. An observant and intelligent young man or woman will learn from not just those around them, but from the highbrow literature and media that they consume.
But this is 2015, dammit! Kids don't take their best girl to the malt shoppe and then try and sneak a grope at Makeout Point, they just use Tinder and say the hell with it. And while we'd rather #teens consume Madame Bovary instead of PewDiePie, we can't sweat it. What kids like are going to be what adults like for the next twenty years or so, until what they like is supplanted by some weird cyborg-AI that directly implants messages into your brain about which boxed ravioli to buy.
You know what, though? Sometimes, there comes such a visionary piece of media that its messages are felt by all ages, all generations, until the end of time. And as laconic as Ohio State has looked this season, I want to make sure that in this final gauntlet that is the month of November, we have learned all that we possibly have from the brilliant treatise on social malaise that is the genre of film that brought us such heart-rendering masterpieces as the "Bride of Chucky."
It's Halloween everybody! Let's get spoooooky!
MINNESOTA (11/7/15) AND HALLOWEEN (1978)
Sometimes forgotten as one of the most important programs in Big Ten history, Minnesota will limp in to this contest down a head coach and having lost two out of their last three games. Much like the original incarnation of Michael Myers, Minnesota is seemingly unkillable (pun not intended), and has somehow resurrected their football program on a semi-regular basis, with varying degrees of success.
LESSON TO BE LEARNED
Sometimes life is at its most frightening when absolutely nothing happens at all. Zeke Elliott and the rest of the Scooby Gang may well indeed pull the mask off of ol' Goldy, but until then, a closer than expected game may give us a few jump scares.
ILLINOIS (11/14/15) AND A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)
A Nightmare On Elm Street isn't a horror movie so much as it's a comedy whose dad made it watch Eraserhead a few too many times as a kid. Never particularly scary, there are a couple of truly goofy moments that make up for the rest of the movie being a lot more boring then you remember from the only time you saw it in its entirety during a sleep over at Randy's house.
Of course, as a grad student at Ohio State in 2007, I fully appreciate that Illinois can truly strike fear (or at least incredible annoyance) into the hearts of Buckeye fans. But in general, we just want that damn turtle. We'll sit through a crappy game, just give us the turtle! And in this analogy, ILLIBUCK : MIDDLING MID-NOVEMBER OHIO STATE OPPONENTS :: BOOBS : MOST OF A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.
LESSON TO BE LEARNED
Keep your eyes on the prize. The next two games more than make up for the general cheesiness of Freddy Krueger/a confused Bill Cubit.
MICHIGAN STATE (11/21/15) AND FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)
Released shortly after "Halloween," Friday the 13th is considered maybe the true beginning of the slasher genre. With a pretty cool masked villain, weird anti-sex subtext, and a pervasive shoddiness that just makes the whole thing look half-assed, Friday the 13th is still an effective horror movie if you've got a healthy sense of irony. So in my mind, if Sparty is Friday the 13th, Mark Dantonio is Jason Voorhees.
Let's break down the similarities:
- Neither can be killed through normal means
- Both are unrelenting black holes of joy
- Despite being stone cold killers, a sympathetic background makes you just wanna root for the guy
On a personal level, I still get an immense amount of joy watching both guy do their thing. You know it's going to be an insane mess that's hard to decipher any real logic behind it, but dammit that's the whole point!
LESSON TO BE LEARNED
Do not mistake what may seem like a slapdash, seat of the pants operation as ineffective. Both Sparty and Friday the 13th are capable of generating some authentic scares, and even taking out the occasional unsuspecting doofus not paying attention to their surroundings.
MICHIGAN (11/28/15) AND THE EXORCIST (1973)
Not much needs to be said here about either of these venerated cultural touchstones. Once, they were both the most feared members of their respected pantheon. Sure times and tasted have changed, but both remain pretty good as scaring the absolute bejeesus out of people when they want to. Furthermore, the Wolverines have been trying this "old priest and a young priest" approach with regards to their coaching staff, and it's generally worked out in about the same way that it did in the movie.
LESSON TO BE LEARNED
The devil is real, and he walks among us. Do not be swayed by his khakis, or funny Twitter account, or pale flabby pink body: the danger that he poses must be confronted with a righteous and iron will, especially as we descend into Hades itself to confront him.
Just remember kids, the best way to watch scary movies and football is to never forget these rules of thumb:
- Never go alone
- Bring lots of popcorn for everybody
- Pressure Connor Cook in 3rd and long passing situations
- Cut the skin off of grapes to make creepy "eyeballs"
- Jim Harbaugh isn't nearly as scary as he thinks he is
Having read my guide, if you follow those simple tips, you are sure to have a very happy and spooktacular Hellvember.
