The Situational: Children of Men

Start with Tracy Sprinkle taking one awkward step and losing his entire season - that was lousy. J.T. Barrett's first touchdown pass of the season was also bad. The Buckeyes managed to pile up nine penalties on the afternoon; you can blame both youngsters and rust for that. The Horseshoe was selling $5 warm bottles of water on a hot, sunny day. Yessssssss thank you screamed the stadium's three patrons visiting from China.

So yeah, there's plenty still to upgrade - Urban agrees. You've got to start somewhere.

But Barrett later broke his own school record Saturday by accounting for seven touchdowns as the Buckeyes rolled up 776 yards of offense with their foot off the gas for the entire 4th quarter. We previously thought the history books would be rewritten heading into last season after the 2014 title team tied or broke 74 of them. Week One saw two major records fall with mostly new actors responsible.

THE BUCKEYES didn't crack 50 points even once during THEIR 2015 victory lap. THEY won by 67 on Saturday.

One year after Third String QB University was founded this program's propensity for surprises should no longer surprise you. Curtis Samuel caught nine passes. If he catches six more this Saturday it will have taken him just two games to have more receptions than any Buckeye had during the entire 13-game 2011 season. Why even bring that up? Because entitlement should be a never event. That's why.

You can get picky and diminish what happened, but it's impossible to ignore the intensity that returned to the Horseshoe on Saturday. Ohio State treated BG the same way the 2014 edition welcomed Kent State two years ago. This team is just getting started. Early returns for The Edge are already through the roof.

We waited too long for this type of scoreboard-breaking performance. Ohio State didn't crack 50 points even once during its 2015 victory lap. The coaches respectfully declined to break 80 on Saturday. We've got 11 more games to see just how normal this could be.

The Buckeyes are 1-0! Let's get Situational.

The MISSING Whistle

It appears that Bowling Green's Scott Miller (above) is down.

You will always maintain a long list of football grievances.

Nobody seems to understand what targeting is. ESPN's pandering coverage of SEC football will annoy you forever. Old men somehow decided that playoff games on New Year's Eve makes sense. Everything about preseason polling is dumb. Holding could be called on every play will be etched on your tombstone. Your takes are iron-clad and validated every week of each season.

One of the grievances that flies under the radar is a referee's quick whistle, which occasionally kills fumble recoveries, subsequent fumble returns and worst of all - the opportunity for replay to correct what that referee screwed up. You could argue that player safety trumps everything, but quick whistles have long been a sneaky-bad reality of football at all levels.

To wit, Bowling Green's third play of the game Saturday was a 3rd down pass from James Knapke to Scott Miller for 5 yards. Miller dove to try and reach the sixth yard needed to keep the chains moving for the Falcons and in doing so he lost the football after his entire body collided with the turf. That moment is captured in the frame above.

This belly-flop-then-fumble sequence was obvious in real time yet not a single official blew the play dead. Ohio State recovered the non-fumble and briefly celebrated before the correct call was made. Later in the same half Mike Weber was tripped up after a nice run and once he hit the ground the football squirted free in similar fashion.

Here is that moment of impact:

Yeah, he's down. A freeze-frame wasn't necessary for this call either. He fell in unobstructed view.

Again, this was obvious in real time - but not a single whistle was blown. Play continued and Bowling Green recovered the non-fumble. Their entire defense ran to the sideline in celebration before the officials gave the Buckeyes the ball back without even conducting a formal replay process. That frame was frozen on the jumbotron and a brief meeting of officials reversed the call.

On both occasions the ambient noise and chatter inside the stadium reeked of Hatin' The Refs for missing two obvious calls as they happened, slowing down the game. As is the case when a baseball stadium gasps at a routine pop fly believing it's a 500-foot moon shot, the crowd was wrong.

If the officiating crew deliberately swallowed its whistles - and I'm choosing to believe that it did in both cases - then this is possibly the sneaky-best football development in years. That officiating crew kept itself from potentially canceling two momentum plays with quick whistles. Both times the ball carrier's entire body hit the ground before the ball slipped from his grasp and the refs let them play it out, just to be sure their eyes weren't playing games.

Let's see if this continues. If it does, your football grievances list just got one item shorter.

The Bourbon

The Curtis Samuel: For noon, 3:30pm or night games.

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

As mentioned above Ohio Stadium was selling overpriced bottles of Dasani during the Bowling Green game at temperatures better suited for making afternoon tea or a relaxing evening bath. It got me craving an ice cold bourbon cocktail, something the now-beer serving Horseshoe still doesn't have available #babysteps

The Curtis Samuel is basically a high-octane drinkable pineapple upside-down cake. Like Ohio State's H-back, it is smooth, versatile and does many things well. Pregaming, thirst-quenching, sweet-toothing and post-gaming are all in its wheelhouse. This drink is based on The Tailgate Sipper, but optimized for Ohio State's highly-adaptable New York import.

To make it you'll throw an entire cored pineapple into your blender for 30 seconds until it's a drippy yellow sludge like Michigan's front seven in last year's Ohio State game. Pour that through a strainer into a jug. If you're not feeling so tropical, just use the canned stuff.

Now pour in some ice cold lemon-infused sparkling water. For every ounce of Dasani or whatever brand you use, you'll need an ounce of bourbon - Evan Williams is both sweet and lives on a low enough shelf to be added without shame in a mixed drink. In the South they add a half-cup of Southern Comfort to this recipe but since SoCo is for teenagers disgusting go with a half-cup of Redemption Rye - whose distributor is based an hour from where Samuel played high school ball - to complement Evan and the pineapple.

Slice a lemon in half, squeeze it in over the strainer to keep the seeds out and then finish it off with vanilla extract. Close the jug and shake it no more than three times since there light carbonation is involved. The Curtis Samuel will then make a very satisfying sound, like a thirsty crown cheering a 79-yard touchdown. Rahhhhhhhhhh

Empty the jug into a pitcher or directly into cups that are filled with ice cubes that have jagged edges (not that smooth half-moon shit your freezer spits out). The Curtis Samuel is receptacle agnostic, i.e. you could serve it in anything from Solo cups to fine glassware and no one will care. They will score regardless of how you serve them.

Enjoy, with or without an actual pineapple upside-down cake. 

The Playoff

Do you remember the moment when lip syncing suddenly went from being a covert concert tactic used by pop singers who can't actually sing to an award-winning business?

Maybe you do. It was 2013 when John Krasinski went on The Tonight Show to promote the series finale of The Office and thought up a bit to do with Jimmy Fallon, which turned out to be a lip sync battle for comedic effect. It went viral and became a recurring bit on the show.

Then it became its own show: Lip Sync Battle was just renewed for a third season on the Spike channel this year and is currently nominated for a Primetime Emmy. Krasinski is the show's executive producer. That million-dollar idea you've been sitting on because you're afraid people might think it's kind of stupid? You should stand up.

Anyway, this dude is better than anyone who has ever appeared on that show.

If you watch all the way to the end you'll see our hero losing the battle in the final second like he's Alabama attempting a 56-yard field goal.

There's your Situational. Now let's all hate the state of Oklahoma together for the next two weeks.