THE SITUATIONAL: Things We Cannot Say

Hey man, we didn't choose this life - it chose us. Ohio is into its second century of social engineering where naive Saturday enjoyment without manufactured anxiety is a sign of ignorance.

We can blame our dead ancestors for deciding Buckeye football would have such an ineradicable influence on our vital signs. Ohio State's offensive line is a Joe Moore Award finalist, but it has zero depth and no one is allowed to get hurt. Devon Brown still can't hit a crossing route or an out rout, and what if that eventually matters?

But here's the thing, and it's not an ignorant observation - Ryan Day just did something none of his wildly successful predecessors and benchmarks wouldn't dare to do. He openly experimented against a conference opponent in a live game during a November with very little margin for error.

Think about what that means in the context of our recent, clenched Novembers. It doesn't matter Ohio State was favored by 38.5 points or that Purdue looked like a high school team coming off the bus - they Buckeyes came out on Saturday and shouted HEY EVERYONE WE'RE GOING TO PLAY WITH OUR FOOD before playing with their food.

And it wasn't arrogant, it was strategic. If Penn State was a turning point, Purdue was a revelation.

Of the 71 guys who got on the field Saturday, 16 were freshmen and several were lined up in positions they don't normally play. The mythical Jack position appeared in the 1st quarter. Putting some nonsense on tape for Indiana and Michigan to waste their time with later this month is a reasonable conclusion, but that wasn't the point.

Peel back exactly one onion layer - right after you survey the landscape for what teams like Tennessee, Georgia, Miami, Iowa State and Alabama have stepped in while heavy favorites with heavier expectations - and consider for exactly 10 seconds what is rendered impossible while inexperienced underclassmen are on the field well before garbage time.

The loaded Buckeye defense showed off what deception looks like against an opponent it could have easily beaten without it.

Time's up. Malaise. That contagious, narcoleptic disease which bites football teams who look across midfield during warmups and see guys who look like they still play for a school that has recess and study hall on the schedule.

Purdue finished its punishment on Saturday with zero penalties, which is a credit to their flawless execution a reminder that college football is a TV show and the margins are critical to winning when winning is difficult.

Jeremiah Smith, one of one now in Ohio State lore, was interfered with and face-guarded while the line judge stared at what was happening without considering flagging it as if to say sorry, we're not wasting time calling penalties in a game like this.

Ohio State continues to play on literally the worst turf in sports while equipping its players with skates for all playing surfaces. What if that eventually matters? It might not! I hate it too, but why are we all like this?

The Horseshoe's inexcusably shitty, cheap and dangerous turf didn't matter on Saturday. Have the Buckeyes ever been haunted by an ill-timed slip in a big game? It's rhetorical, but if you click the link in the previous sentence (don't do that) spoiler, it's not Cam Brown turning what should have been a short gain into a 69-yard Michigan touchdown two years ago.

It's worse. And that happened on grass, not inexcusably shitty, cheap and dangerous turf.

The field is a problem. The shoes are a problem. Special Teams are still a problem, but they had a great day against the crash test dummies shipped over from West Lafayette. But Day's nerves, the presence of conflict priorities and clenching tendencies appear to be subsiding into a new equilibrium.

And the stuff that screams LOOK OUT to us isn't actually screaming. It's just us being who we are.

The world might still end this weekend, but if you missed the naive Saturday enjoyment of a head coach putting his youngest players in position to guard against another corny sleepwalk with a significant underdog, you squandered a rare opportunity. Purdue is terrible, but Day still found a way to coach an illuminating and inspired game for a team he's kept humble and audacious.

Only one more opponent, then it's exclusively top 10 and jewelry games until the end. Let's get Situational.

OPENER | REVENGE OF THE NERDS

J.T. Tuimoloau celebrates a stop against Northwestern at Ryan Field in 2022. Ohio State won 21-7.©Adam Cairns-The Columbus Dispatch

The number of Cubs games I've attended is well into the hundreds, a byproduct of the dozen years I spent in Chicago following undergrad. I always looked forward to the Buckeyes coming to town - right up until the games in Evanston kicked off and everything looked clunky.

I left 18 years ago, and while Northwestern hasn't stolen anything I cared about during that span, many of the wins haven't exactly been clean. Playing on an ancient and haunted baseball field this Saturday, with locker rooms and amenities intended for a 26-man roster where only one guy wears pads? I'll be honest, friends - I don't like this one bit.

The Buckeyes have only played the Wildcats 11 times over the past two decades, and it would be just nine meetings if the B1G West wasn't a steady abomination in every year of its cursed existence.

The Buckeyes have looked like a counterfeit version of themselves in four of the past five meetings with the Wildcats, and a week after forcing the issue to ensure Purdue didn't become another Nebraska, Day is tasked with forcing Northwestern to become another Purdue.

The Chicago Staleys/Bears played at Wrigley for 49 years before moving to Soldier to better accommodate TV cameras and fan demand, so this is less of a novelty than we may think. That doesn't make it normal or okay - the back of one endzone nearly touches the right field ivy, which means running through it may result in a Looney Tunes brick wall event.

Across the field, the opposite goal line overlaps with the 3rd base line, which means any metaphors about Ohio State's first-time head coach and the elite program in pristine condition he inherited turning literal won't materialize unless he calls his own number.

If the Buckeyes are able to look like the best version of themselves, perhaps they should huddle where 3rd base would normally be and pay homage to the guy who led them there.

Northwestern used to play home games on Ryan Field. Ohio State can make that happen Saturday!

INTERMISSION

The Solo

The last time we had to tolerate the unforgivable phrase Defending National Champion Michigan Wolverines it was following the 1997 season. This year, intermissions will pay homage to that cursed year's Billboard Hot 100.

Speaking of terrible things that enjoyed a triumphant 1997, Puff Daddy rose to fame as both a producer and performer that year - but most indelibly as the guy grunting in the background of his best friend's far-superior songs.

Hypnotize, whose music is lifted directly from Herb Alpert's Rise was the most prominent and lasting example. The music video features a car chase. Let's answer our two questions.

is the musician in this video actually driving the car?

Sean Combs, who back then was not commonly known by his government name, is driving the getaway car in this video which he directed. But it's a contrived music video plot. There's no reason Combs would need to be escaping law enforcement. For more information, please google "Sean Combs eluding the law." VERDICT: Yes, conclusive.

does this car chase slap?

Biggie drops a pastiche of The Crystals' 1963 banger Da Doo Run Run right in the middle of a phrase about about wrecking cars for enjoyment. An endearing 34-year old callback in the middle of a gangster rap song felt downright quaint at the time. Biggie was awesome, man.

Try to imagine what a similar callback would sound like in a current song. Go back 34 years and lift a line from Poison's Unskinny Bop or Bel Biv DeVoe's Poison. Not quite the same, is it. A lot of poison in those 1990 songs. Desmond Howard thrived back then too. There are no coincidences.

Anyway, Da Doo Run Run was written by Phil Spector, who surely never ran from law enforcement. For more information, please google "Phil Spector eluding the law." VERDICT: Slaps

The Bourbon

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

BB Experimental. Number 4 is one of one.

Visiting a baseball stadium in November in what will be the final game of the season which doesn't involve The Greatest Rivalry in Sports or a top-10 opponent feels like a one-off in more than one sense.

Black Button is no one-off to The Situational, appearing most recently in April for the Spring Game and previously during that one-off 2020 season. But Experimental is not a customary vintage or experience, it's the fourth in a series of what I think can best be described as Master Distillers Doing Some Crazy Shit Just Because They Can.

No.4 takes Button's 60/20/11/9 corn/wheat/malted barley/rye four-grainer, ages it nearly four years in charred oak before evicting what's left of it into Cherrywood, White Ash and Yellow Birch staves for the final 207 days prior to bottling.

What you get is, unsurprisingly, a very woody nose. Four grain, four woods, lots of fours here - No.4 Jeremiah Smith having another Jeremiah Smith Game is part of the selection criteria. Blackberry currant and toasted sesame on the palate follow, with more wood and a very long-lasting finish, like habanero molasses.

All that wheat was overpowered by the rye - this is a heater, it's unlike anything I can remember and it's going to be fun to sip on Saturday to fend off billy goats and other North Side curses. No.4 is already out and they're onto No.5, which I have not tried yet.

Retail is $85, but if someone tries to arbitrage you there's no shame in paying $110.

CLOSER | THINGS WE CANNOT SAY

Emeka Egbuka runs to the endzone against Purdue in the 2nd half on Saturday. ©Samantha Madar/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK via Imagn Images

The Buckeyes' next opponent needed overtime to outlast the team Ohio State just shut out 45-0 while playing 71 guys, 16 freshmen (it's almost Christmas, sing the rest of this sentence) three quarterbacks, two turtle doves and short yardage calls from Chip Kelly.

Next week, a third top-five opponent shows up on the schedule with the Hoosiers coming to town coming off a bye. IU will be the fourth well-rested team the Buckeyes will play face season, joining Marshall, Iowa and Northwestern this Saturday.

Michigan is off this week, then hosts Northwestern before ending its regular season in the Horseshoe, which is to say the Wolverines are spending three weeks preparing for The Game. Hey, if freshness was real, the Nebraska game and Marshall 1st half might have looked different.

Sustainability warfare has been preserved championship mettle, not weeks off. Check the tracker:

Will Howard got 52 snaps against Purdue. Caleb Downs got 43. Everyone else shared time, and with TOP nearly even - neither side of the ball received a load burden. You know what's better than a bye week? Shutting out a conference opponent while playing 71 guys.

Saturday at Wrigley presents the final sustainability opportunity until Grambling State visits Columbus the second week of next season. However, the Buckeyes will not play 71 guys in Chicago like they did last weekend against Purdue - because travel rosters are capped at 70. If you find math confusing you'll just have to trust me on this one, I triple-checked it.

The Buckeyes operating properly should generate a participation report into the high 50s, which would indicate they not only will have won the game - they will have understood the assignment.

SITUATIONAL ARCHIVE The Situational Whiskey Cellar

Their reward will be the opportunity to participate in a series of consecutive games the likes of which no program has ever experienced in the history of college football. Six straight bangers with title implications. So yeah, they need to win Saturday.

Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Bucks. Beat Northwestern.