I may be in the minority, but I'm still holding out hope the Cotton Bowl award ceremony is interrupted by Urban Meyer crashing a zamboni into the presentation stage, hitting the winning coach with a steel chair and appropriating a championship bid.
If my fantasies crumble, then I'll need to fall into a frothy stupor if I'm to survive the site of a triumphant Alabama or Connor Cook.
Until then, this #NewYearsEveBanger will be on repeat:
That may be the coldest entry on video (until the glass breaks and Urban Meyer sprints out of the Cotton Bowl tunnel double-fisting four FourLokos, obvii).
| TIME | BOWL | MATCHUP | LOCATION | FAVORITE | TELEVISION |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 12:00 | PEACH | No. 18 HOUSTON vs. No. 9 FLORIDA STATE | ATLANTA, GEORGIA | FSU (-7) | ESPN |
| 4:00 | ORANGE | No. 4 OKLAHOMA vs. No. 1 CLEMSON | MIAMI, FLORIDA | OU (-4½) | ESPN |
| 8:00 | COTTON | No. 3 MICHIGAN STATE vs. No. 2 ALABAMA | DALLAS, TEXAS | BAMA (-9½) | ESPN |
PICKS: Houston (#gamblinglock), Clemson, and Alabama.
TEA WITH RENEGADE OUTLAW JIM TRESSEL. Crime lord Jim Tressel lives in semiretirement despite being one of the most sought-after fugitives on the planet.
Despite the day to day demands of running an illicit empire, Tressel always finds time to moonlight as the President of Youngstown State University.
From cbssports.com:
A few months after Jim Tressel was named president of Youngstown State University, he and a close friend, Paul McFadden, went on a fundraising trip. McFadden is the president of the Youngstown State University Foundation, an independent non-profit that raises money for scholarships, construction projects and academic programs. He had been working on one potential donor for years. This donor, an elderly man in Florida, had been reluctant, and McFadden had only been able to have short conversations with him on the phone. One day last year, McFadden called the donor. I'm flying down from Ohio, he said. I'm going to have our new president with me.
The donor perked up. "I want to meet Jim Tressel," he told McFadden. After that meeting, the man put a $2 million donation to the foundation in his will.
Another gift, a $2.5 million donation to the engineering school, came from a 95-year-old steel baron. Tressel met with him too. Many times. In fact, during YSU's first year with Tressel as president, the foundation hosted more than 100 fundraisers at Tressel's home. He's gone on at least eight trips to raise money. Fundraising has doubled. And he's just warming up. "To be honest," says McFadden, "we really want to ride his back."
Somewhere in the distance, E. Gordon Gee nods like a proud father.
Gee, however, was the highest paid president at Ohio State, which is what I'd have to be if my days consisted of jetsetting across the country and cajoling coins out of dying men trying to shore up their résumé.
Tressel makes $300,000 annually, which is a lot until you consider he was routinely cashing checks in that amount at Ohio State. Trying to get somebody to chop off some of their legacy for Youngstown State rather than Ohio State is also another monster.
So yeah, I can see why YSU elders are intent on riding the Tressel donkey into the dirt.
MORE LIKE MONEY MAROTTI. Considering the physical demands of football, somebody unfamiliar with the sport might think an elite strength coordinator would literally be worth their weight in gold.
This is not the case at many top universities, but not at Ohio State. Mickey Marotti makes $431,558 annually, which is good for No. 2 in the country at his position and puts him between Tim Beck ($525,000) and Larry Johnson Sr. ($420,000) at Ohio State.
From espn.com (via the always hateful 11UrbzAndSpices):
2. Mickey Marotti, Ohio State, $431,558
Counting bonuses in Ohio State's rise to the top of the college football world last season, Marotti pulled in a total of $524,750. Marotti helped Urban Meyer win two titles at Florida before re-joining the coach at Ohio State. When Meyer was hired at Ohio State in 2012, he called Marotti -- who now controls the Buckeyes' 13,000-square-foot weight room and holds the title of assistant athletic director for football sports performance -- his most important hire. Marotti doesn't do only the meathead stuff. He has also made himself responsible for synthesizing data on all the players that is shared with other parts of the Buckeyes' support staff.
I'm afraid to inform y'all of the top-earning strength coach, because somebody is going have an aneurysm.
That blood isn't on my hands if you continue.
| STRENGH COACH | SCHOOL | SALARY |
|---|---|---|
| CHRIS DOYLE | IOWA | $515,000 |
| MICKEY MAROTTI | OHIO STATE | $431,558 |
| SCOTT COCHRAN | ALABAMA | $420,000 |
| ROB GLASS | OKLAHOMA STATE | $401,166 |
| PAUL JACKSON | MISSISSIPPI | $375,000 |
Iowa's S&C coach is paid on par with a coordinator. I'm not arguing with that logic, but do Kirk Ferentz and Chris Doyle share an agent? Is there some sort of embezzlement scheme afoot in Iowa that I need to know about?
Jokes aside, somebody should get Mickey Marotti's agent on the line. Dude is due for a raise.
DEC. 27: BAD DAY FOR BUCKEYE DRIVERS. It turns out Ezekiel Elliott wasn't the only Buckeye footballer to suffer a car accident on Sunday. Joe Burrow reportedly suffered his concussion after a crash in which he was cited for failure to control on Olentangy Avenue.
From dispatch.com:
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. -- Ohio State freshman quarterback Joe Burrow, who suffered a concussion in an auto accident on Sunday back in Columbus that kept him from being cleared to fly on the team charter to the Fiesta Bowl that day, will not join the team out here this week after all.
According to the article, it's in Burrow's best medical interests to avoid flying right now, which made this an easy call.
Burrow was officially the No. 3 QB, but that was ceremonial at this point. Many fans would pine for Braxton to get the call if it came to that, but I don't think Ohio State would risk his arm for what amounts to an exhibition game (which I desperately want the Buckeyes to win).
Braxton re-injuring his shoulder on a seven-yard third down pass would be like watching my mediocre son get his teeth knocked out by a felon, and I don't even have a mediocre son yet.
I wouldn't be surprised to see Jalin Marshall get the call à la Ted Ginn in the 2004 Alamo Bowl.
BACKUP RUNNING BACKS STRUGGLE THROUGH FOOD DESERT. Keep Mike Weber and Bri'onte Dunn in your thoughts and prayers, because it sounds like they're struggling for sustenance out west:
In N out burger is the most over rated restaurant in the west coast
— Mike Weber (@mikeweber25) December 30, 2015
Arizona, Scottsdale got the worst Benihana's I ever had smh
— Bri'onte Dunn (@DunnItAlready25) December 31, 2015
This is why I only dine out at Waffle House. Their food is served with a guarantee unbroken since 1955.
HERMAN FOOT SOLDIER PLAYS THE LONG CON. Is there anything better than watching some dipshit get dragged with their bad #take from way back? I say no, even when it's me getting dragged for my "Everett Golson will finish higher than Cody Kessler in Heisman voting" #take from May 21.
Remember this? Tune in tomorrow and check us out cause we made it happen, 3yrs later same school @RyanJensen4 pic.twitter.com/NPrrQhlxSJ
— WorldWide23 (@Trstewart23) December 31, 2015
Ryan Jensen must quit Twitter now. It's the rules.
THOSE WMDs. "I was sold a bag of goods." – Art Modell on firing Bill Belichick... Magic of Finland's baby box comes to Canada... Armed man won't let technician leave until computer is fixed... History of the Harlem Globetrotters uniform... Who killed Jean Hope in 1970?
