KEVIN WILSON: “I’M NOT YOUR OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR.”

In an interview Wednesday, first year Ohio State offensive coordinator and former Indiana head coach Kevin Wilson admitted that he actually wasn’t hired to call plays for Ohio State.

“Common misconception. I’m not an OC, what I am is an ‘Offensive’ Coordinator,” he said. “My job is essentially to complicate the workspace for everyone by being unpleasant and inflammatory, basically a Joe Rogan-type character.”

Wilson recounted how since taking on the job, he’d done his best to make at least three off-color jokes or uncomfortable comments at least once a day. He has also striven to sexually harass every player, coach, and graduate assistant in the Woody Hayes Athletic Center. This is all supplemented by the odd prank, such as when he dumped a pound of rotten crayfish inside of defensive end Nick Bosa’s helmet before the Oklahoma game.

When asked why such a position would exist at Ohio State, Wilson explained that in order for a team, organization, country, or any kind of society to function it must be built on common mistrust and hatred for a common enemy, in this case Coach Wilson. Wilson points to statistics that suggest that arguments between teammates have dropped off by 79% since his hiring.

BAKER MAYFIELD LAUNCHES NEW SET OF MAILORDER STEAK SPOONS—SPONSORED CONTENT*

That incredibly handsome swashbuckler of a football man, Oklahoma quarterback Baker Mayfield has announced the launch of a new set of Mayfield-brand “steak spoons,” dull-edged cereal spoons that offer the perfect challenge to any steak aficionado tired of the listless, adversity-free experience of eating a steak with appropriate cutlery.

“As easy as stabbing a blunt flagpole into a turf field,” the slogan goes.

While Mayfield is still a student athlete and thus not permitted to lend his name or likeness to any endorsement deal, his famous escapability as a quarterback has carried over into the legal realm, where his legal team have thus far juked and dodged every injunction the NCAA have used.

The steak spoons will be available as of October 1st for mailorder, at the incredibly low low price of $59.99 for a set of a half dozen. Pre-order yours today and eat with the frustration of an overlooked talent with an obvious chip on your shoulder!

URBAN MEYER REFUSES TO RETURN TOM HERMAN’S JAR OF PIXIE DUST

A growing feud between former colleagues Urban Meyer of Ohio State and Tom Herman of Texas exploded into an all-out war of words today when Urban Meyer publicly refused to relinquish the jar of pixie dust that his former offensive coordinator left behind in Columbus after moving on to Houston.

“Finders keepers, losers 7-5 with losses to both Oklahoma teams and Kansas State,” Urban Meyer wrote on Twitter.

Tom Herman replied with a flurry of tweets at his former employer, calling Meyer a “jabroni” and a “clownshoe,” and furthermore claiming to be former Ohio State running back Ezekiel Elliott’s actual biological father.

Amid speculation that the feud may eventually escalate to one or both coaches “catching hands,” Meyer had this to say: “When Tom punches me, I’ll punch him back, but the difference is I’ll have three rings on my fist.”

*Credit to RunEddieRun for the inspiration